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Are You An Abusive Person?
Maybe people are stressed about the media doom-and-gloom news lately. The economy isn’t doing too well, and that can cause some concerns. Maybe people are suffering cabin fever and need to release a bit of energy. Maybe too many people are trying too hard to cram too much in a day that only has 24 hours.
Whatever the reason, it isn’t fun to deal with. Being on the receiving end of a bad mood can scrap a person’s day, plain and simple. People are flying off the handle, no one is careful about tone of language, and there’s a lot of misplaced frustration.
Freelancers already have it tough. They have to grin and bear rude remarks, rise above condescending comments, deal with superior attitudes and try to satisfy difficult clients. That’s part of dealing with people. We get it.
Many freelancers are upstanding people. They meet their obligations, offer reliable dedication, deliver on time and they do a good job. Sometimes they still go the extra mile for that client who just wrecked their day with a thoughtless remark.
Freelancers put up with a lot of tough situations. They frequently shove aside work and scramble to put out a client’s fire, knowing that the work they’ve shoved aside is work that other clients will be looking for shortly – and unhappy to learn of the delay.
Freelancers burn the midnight oil, shuffle jobs to make it fit and get it done on time. They make sacrifices that no one knows about. They get insulted, shouted at and abused. There are people in the world who believe that freelancers are there at their beck and call, lowly workers with no feelings.
Of course, most freelancers quickly learn how to stay calm in the face of a storm, how to be diplomatic and firm, how to rise above without internalizing negative comments. They have self-esteem, self-confidence and know their integrity, and they move on.
But that doesn’t mean that they don’t feel hurt, get upset or grumble for a while, and it doesn’t take much to derail a person’s day. One rude comment, one hurtful remark, or one self-centered moment, and a freelancer can be left thinking, “I didn’t deserve that.”
No. You didn’t deserve that. No one ever does.
If you work with a writer, a designer, a coder, a programmer, a marketer, a launch coach, a consultant, or anyone at all, you need to remember that this person isn’t your punching bag. This person is trying to do the best job he or she can for your benefit.
Having a bad day? Upset with your schedule? Unhappy with your marriage? Running late on a deadline? Hate your life? Don’t take it out on your freelancer.
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Dealing with angry peoples is one reason why I far far FAR prefer to work via site building, resource gathering, etc. I really admire folks who can step outside of aggressive customers and try to work with the situation.
“Firing the customer” is one way of dealing with this….ensuring you choose NOT to accept a sure-fire Customer-from-Hell is another.
It carries over to one’s homelife as well. Approximately once a month, I’ll tell my family that Mom is currently debating the merits of various flame-throwers, so avoiding Mom is a Good Thing at this moment.
I’m teaching my eldest daughter to also give a headsup to the family when she goes thru the same thing…it does seem to help.
Data points, Barbara
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last blog post…Valentine’s Day Goodies, Freebies and More!
Hi James – should we be giving you hugs – have you been on the receiving end recently or just sticking up for those that have??
Whichever, I totally agree with your sentiment – there’s never an excuse for taking your bad mood out on others. I’m sure it’s always happened but maybe seems more common now it’s so easy just to pick up the phone and rant, IM someone or fire off angry emails left, right and centre.
@ Barbara – I wasn’t referring to pre-hire selection and weeding out. Imagine you’re in the thick of a project or nearing its completion, and your client blows for reasons you have nothing to do with. Then what?
@ Rachael – All hugs always welcome. To answer your question, I’ve been on the receiving end and have also heard others mention the situation recently as well.
It seems to be a concern that wasn’t there six months ago, and the increased frequency of these situations with all freelancers has me wondering… what’s going on?
James,
I can really relate to this. From the first jobs I ever held right through to today, I see customers who think that an exchange of cash for efforts is really an exchange of cash and any internal stuff they care to dump on my doorstep.
That got me. It’s not just true of freelancers, of course—it’s also true of their clients, and the empathic side of me says that’s what’s going on when somebody’s dumping on me. Sometimes they’re making sacrifices no one knows about and doing a terrible job of keeping that to themselves. (I once had a client rage at me for five minutes on the phone, leaving me shaking and racked with self-doubt, only to find out his son had died three days earlier.)
As a businessperson, though, I try to draw a clear line. People who regularly need to dump on someone besides a therapist should take themselves back through the same door they came in. I’d know the symptoms anywhere, and I just won’t work with abusive people. I have no need to be manipulated or put in my place to make my money.
Great post.
Regards,
Kelly
Bravo freelancers!
The Nonsense Society´s last blog post…LAb[au] – Art in Architecture, Software, Light, Sound, and Kinetics
Hi James,
Great, timely post.
Depending on your business, you can’t always choose your clients and let go the difficult ones. Sometimes you simply have to take it, let it go and get on with your day. It’s not forgotten though, and can taint your own mood.
Deep breaths, holding back impulsive responses, and accepting the eccentricities (how diplomatic) of clients are some ways to ease the frustration. It’s not easy though and there are times where a firm response is necessary.
When you do your job well and you can stand behind your work, you shouldn’t be afraid to let a client know how you expect to be treated. Respect is a two-way street.
Conor
The wonderful thing about Professional Organizing/Coaching and all of those sorts of highly interpersonal careers, we *can* choose our clients. And we have a great way out when it’s not going well, or if our intuition says “uh-unh” at the beginning:
“Organizing/Coaching/whatever is highly individualized relationship. I’m not sure we would be the best fit. Perhaps I could recommend you to someone who would be more what you are looking for and able to provide you with much better results than I could.”
At least, that’s what an ethical person in these professions would do. Taking a job just for the money is always a bad thing and only hurts everyone (client, business, industry).
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome´s last blog post…Girls Aloud give us all a kick in the pants
This is why I’m glad I do Aikido. No not for the way it teaches us to remain clam and respectful but because I can take out my own frustrations by throwing a bunch of grown men around.
The only thing I have left to figure out is how to get clients on the mat…
Marc – WelshScribe´s last blog post…Ghostwriter Fees:How to Set Your Rates The Right Way
Ok James.
Assuming you recovered from yesterday’s comment firestorm, I’ll throw in my two cents (how much is that in Canadian Dollars, anyway?)
I’ve been fortunate to have not been on the receiving end of too much grumpiness. Here’s my take on it. I am a believer in the law of attraction in that for the most part you will receive what you put out there. If you are getting a LOT of grumpiness tossed in your general direction, stop and examine your mindset. Could you be a bit more happy-go-lucky?
With that said, there are times when someone launches a literary juggernaut when you’ve nary a reason to deserve it. Maybe there is something to learn from it.
Signed,
Mr. Blue Skies
Tumblemoose´s last blog post…Amazon releasing Kindle 2
George,
Never been a fan of LoA. Puts people in a position of blaming themselves for bad crap that happens (and in this case, for other people’s actions, which is an ugly tunnel to go down).
And specifically, James? Supportive, positive, empathic, etc. Oooh, I sure don’t think James invites negativity. Reeeeally don’t like that concept.
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post…Inspiration Points: Reality Is Not on a TV Show
Hey Kelly,
Oh, I’m not a zealot, but I think there may be a kernel of truth in receiving what you put out there. I’m not saying it’s a primary cause, but it may have some influence.
Now, leave me alone whilst I try to attract a million (US) dollars
Cheers!
George
Tumblemoose´s last blog post…Amazon releasing Kindle 2
Attract an avatar. With a loud plaid tam-o-shanter involved.
*taps foot impatiently*
Kelly´s last blog post…Birds Don’t Do It and Neither Do Bees
Kelly,
Oh you DO crack me up. (assumes lotus position, visualizes appropriate attire)
Avatar forthcoming…
George
Tumblemoose´s last blog post…Amazon releasing Kindle 2
Good post. When I was a young pup I met an old bear of a freelancer (let’s call him Old Bear) who had been working in the trenches for 30 years and worked pretty much 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, he was that successful. He gave me the best advice I ever got about how to handle clients in general and abusive clients in particular. In general, he said to start your relationship with a business-like conversation that addresses process; i.e., the terms of how you work and how that relates to what they want very concretely. Old Bear would never proceed with a job, no matter how lucrative, until he had discussed his approach to any writing job:
– Ms./Mr. Client, what exactly (I stress exactly) do you want? You said brochure. Do you mean a slim jim with 6 panels or a 12-page tome? He would bring samples as props and show them. You said speech — Do you want a 5-minute speech, 15 minutes, 30 minutes; what are your goals? — If I were your audience what precisely would you want me to understand and do as a result of what you said? What kinds of speeches do you like: emotional, rational, combo? Old Bear said to bear down on the details because that’s where the devil lies. Get as clear a picture in your mind and their mind regarding what’s needed, in what form, in what length, and by when. Help yourself and help them to “see” the end product, to “own” the desired result that you and they have approved.
And then Old Bear discussed his terms:
– I get 1/3 down when you sign my letter of agreement (or I sign yours) outlining what I will deliver and my/our terms of payment. I get another 1/3 upon delivery of the first draft (he would require clients to have the check in hand even if he had to request in their offices before he would have them the draft); I get the final 1/3 upon delivery of the final draft (revised as necessary) BUT only one redraft (if more are required I either agree to do them for nothing because it doesn’t need much work or we negotiate further payments for additional work).
I have used Old Bear’s formula with great success over the years. The idea being that I, the writer, do everything possible to show that I’m business-like, responsible and professional; I’m more than someone who likes to write and will work for almost anything under any terms because I want to make some money on the side. The front-end discussion, however brief, sets the tone for the relationship; I respect you, you respect me, I want to give you what you want in keeping with what we agree makes sense. Obviously, the terms aren’t always the same with every client but you have a template to work with that provides some protection and a context for discussing disagreements should any arise. So make sure what the client wants but make sure that they know what you want and expect.
For clients who are truly obnoxious, Old Bear said you need to decide if they’re worth your while because they’re not going to stop being who they are, by and large, so you’re probably not going to get more work and if you do the treatment is probably going to get more abusive because you’ve set a behavior pattern in place. Old Bear posited: I have my 1/3 or 2/3 in hand so I can cut if I want to with a degree of comfort that I at least got paid before I departed. And with the signed agreement, I also have the reasons I need to break the relationship in a respectful, professional manner; i.e., (on the line or between the lines) Ms./Mr. Client, it probably could have worked out if you had respected our agreed-upon terms but you didn’t.
No one should be abused. Roughed up for good reason, OK. Pushed to do better with sincere intent, OK too. But yelled at, bullied, demeaned, threatened, discredited, punished in front of others, NO WAY, NO HOW. Cut the client loose. They’re not worth your time and attention, not at the cost of your self-respect.
In sum, you are a professional writer who does what you do well and for pay; you are not a supplicant at the altar of the gods for crumbs to feed your love of words or writing. If you don’t like what I write, Ms./Mr. Client you can cut me loose; if I don’t like your treatment of me as a person I can do the same. I have the agreement that binds us, in effect, to that proposition. I am not the Great Write Hope although I may be on occasion. I am a professional who within the scheme of things will deliver what you need. Most important, however, I am a human being. You can tread on my words but don’t tread on me.
Sorry to be so dramatic but abuse is a serious issue.
@ Kelly –
I’m always amazed at how many people believe this to be true. I don’t believe they do so consciously or with ill intent, but it happens a great deal. Unfortunate.
And I agree with the rest that you said – that *everyone* has moments where life is tough, clients included. I’m very big on sympathizing and understanding the situations that other people are going through, and more than once, people have expressed appreciation that I show attention to how they’re feeling.
@ Nonsense – Hear, hear!
@ Conor – You’ve got it. Sometimes you *do* have to take it. I think too many people are saying, “Just fire the client,” and that’s not a good attitude to have (sorry guys). Everyone has to rise above being rude or uncaring, and that goes for freelancers as well as clients.
Doesn’t make it fun, though
@ Alex – Choosing clients is easily done in the beginning. Freelancers develop that sixth sense to spot trouble and usually make the right choice. As you said, sometimes it just isn’t a good fit.
But that theory goes out the window once freelancers have been hired and are working on the client’s project. They’re no longer in a position to choose anymore.
@ Marc – I just beat them with my guitar.
@ Tumblemoose – I do believe that we each behave in ways that attract like people to us. We also behave in ways that attract the wrong people to us. I’m very big on personal accountability for the situations and consequences that arise in life.
But I can’t say I feel comfortable with your statements, because as Kelly says, it smacks of “It’s your fault.” There are many times, many situations, where freelancers are *not* at fault and did nothing to deserve a negative experience. I agree with Kelly – it’s an ugly tunnel to go down when you begin to take responsibility for other people’s actions and choices.
@ Kelly – Thank you
I love you too.
@ Don – I agree with everything you said, and those are excellent business practices that anyone can use. (Though I’d present them in a more friendly manner, were it me.)
However, my post refers to people who blow up when the problem is unrelated to the freelancer contract.
“I had a bad week.”
“I’ve been working too much.”
“I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
That’s right. People shouldn’t take these things out on others. At all.
James—Merci.
Kelly´s last blog post…Inspiration Points: Reality Is Not on a TV Show
What an a propos post for these parlous times. Another thing I’ve noticed clients doing more of lately to us freelancers is nickel-and-diming us, and/or wanting us to get started on projects that are not formally signed off on. I take these as more opportunities to stay calm and firm, but it’s not pleasant.
Jean Gogolin´s last blog post…From Now On, We’re All About Stories
Abuse? No excuses for it really. As for pressure. I like this:
“By “guts” I mean, grace under pressureâ€~Earnest Hemingway
Really, I think it crops up mostly when scarcity is in mind. Time, power, money, freedom…dry land. LOL… but it does not help a bit. And yet some people have a weird notion that it might actually get them what they want. Hm, I know someone who is abusive, not well liked and just an out and out neurotic b—-, but they keep paying her the big bucks. And she DOES get most of what she wants. What’s up with that?
Janice Cartier´s last blog post…Beauty And The Buck
Janice,
That Hemingway quote is one of my faves. That is definitely how I know when I’m looking at a person with guts.
Taking a deep breath and permitting a client to vent? That’s guts, for sure.
Taking the deep breath, as the client, and realizing this is not the time or the place to vent about the woes of the world or your own trouble du jour? Now that’s the kind of guts I really appreciate.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post…Inspiration Points: Reality Is Not on a TV Show
That sucks, sorry to hear you’ve been on the receiving end lately. I couldn’t understand why though, I’ve been working with you for a while now and you guys have always, I mean always gone above and beyond.
As for what’s going on . . . who knows, it could be a number of things. Society isn’t like it was back in the 30’s. Divorce rates are at an all time high, people are broke but don’t want to admit it, the news is depressing our lives, people are pissed because they are losing their homes, etc.
But the sun is always shining on the horizon. Because while it’s true one customer can ruin your day, one can also make it
John Hoff´s last blog post…Understanding The Psychology Of Your Website Visitors
Umm…it’s not just with freelancers. There’s abuse in the workplace today, pretty much EVERYWHERE you look.
@ Friar – Agreed. But since our blog is mostly targeting freelancers and online entrepreneurs… well, you do the math
@ John – You make me want to break into song. “The sun’ll come out… tomorrow!!”
@ Kelly – It does take guts and absolute confidence in yourself. It’s often difficult to step back and say, “This isn’t about me,” and deal calmly and diplomatically with the situation, which often means showing sympathy in the face of a storm.
@ Janice – Well, in kindergarten, they call that bullying…
@ Jean – That’s a situation I can see happening too. I haven’t experienced it personally yet, but I can certainly see people using the ‘we’re in a recession’ card to force lower prices.
Although I admit that online, there doesn’t seem to be much recession at all. I don’t notice any change myself and frequently have to remind myself that life outside the computer screen is different.
“‘This isn’t about me,’ and deal calmly and diplomatically with the situation, which often means showing sympathy in the face of a storm.”
Possibly the very essence of Aikido and one that applies not only to physical attacks but emotional and psychological ones as well, even imaginary ones. The ethics of the art is to not only protect yourself from harm but to prevent your attacker from coming to harm as well.
Referring back to Tumblemoose’s (well made) point about the Law of Attraction, don’t blame yourself for the actions of others. Instead look at it as an opportunity to help another person restore their balance.
Henry J Kaiser once said “Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes”.
James, this is an excellent point on humanity. We (me and Trish Lambert) discussed this on our podcast earlier this month. So often we only hear about the responsibilities of vendors (freelancer, solo professional, contractors) but rarely does anyone talk about how to be a good client. Not being abusive is at the top of the list. Don’t kick your dog, snap at your kids or yell at your freelancer.
My creative writing has taught me not to be sensitive about criticism or unnecessary and often plain rude comments. As a copywriter, I have fewer problems, but that might be because I work for a smashing design company and not freelance. Whatever, you’re absolutely right. Be nice to freelancers. In fact, just be nice to everyone, if you can.
@James
Okayyy…I’m sorry. I didn’t realize this was about freelancers and on-line entre-prenoors.
I’ll go away now..and let the grown-ups talk.
Hmm, not only happens to freelancers but to employees, too, from the client and from the boss.
I’ve noticed around here (Washington, DC) that people seem a lot surlier since the economy went bad. People push more in the subway, knock into others and don’t say anything, etc. It seems we’re all stressed.
Very good points you make. I’ll have to take a hard look in the mirror when I get home.
Dot´s last blog post…OpenOffice Extensions
Here in southern New Hampshire a lot of us blame the general surliness not only on the economy but on the incredible ice storm we had in December, which will become legend. Put people in the cold and dark for days or weeks, unshowered, and the beast comes out.
Jean Gogolin´s last blog post…From Now On, We’re All About Stories
@ Jean – Heh, ice storms? Tell me about it. We had one back a few years, and I went 3 weeks without heat or water. Some people even longer. There was also a baby boom the year after…
@ Dot – Ew, subways… yeah. Definitely a place for shoving behaviour – not fun!
@ Friar – It’s okay. We’ll let you come play.
@ Iain – Yep. You either learn to cope well and stay diplomatic or you lose a lot of clients and start hating your job. Good on you for taking the high road!
@ Karen – Can I kick my chair, at least?
@ Marc – You beat me to a drinking avatar where I’m holding up a huge glass of Shiraz… ahhh…
Friar,
Never fear! I splash in MWP’s puddles all the time and I don’t know what the heck James is talking about.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post…Sorry, I’m Taken
An interesting perspective, James. As a sort of follow-on to what Friar said, do you find it better now that you’re freelancing as compared with when you were in corporate land, or is it just different?
Reading what you said, in my mind I’d tend to think it is just different – still dealing with people, just different situations (e.g. I can’t “fire” the people who annoy me at work which really sucks, but on the other hand, I’m isolated from random jerks outside the company who might pop in to annoy me, and I could always complain to HR about it!)
Interesting thoughts for sure – another thing which might be tough could be potential miscommunication if a lot of the communication is via email (e.g. I could call you a Crazy Canuck but if you didn’t know I am smiling as I type this, it might ruin your day or offend you – so that is a potential challenge).
Brett Legree´s last blog post…viking fridays – the mind and the heart.
@ Brett – Different type and style of abuse, honestly. Just as bad, no matter which situation I think of, but different.
In the corporate office, everything is very subtle at its best and more about getting ahead by stepping on someone else.
In the freelancing world, it’s about power, domination and lashing out. Those were things I only experienced once in a corporate environment (and the guy ended up on sick leave not long after).
@James,
That makes sense. I’ve seen it happen to people out here just like you. In the office it is very subtle and subversive, out here it is like a kick in the face.
Maybe out here, it could be worse too – because there’s nothing to prevent it from happening again and again, and you can’t complain to HR about it.
Brett Legree´s last blog post…viking fridays – the mind and the heart.