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Are You Afraid of Success? We Bet Yes.
I have discovered something about myself. I’m terrified of success.
Not just terrified. I’m willing to put my health at risk, my reputation, and my financial security. I’m willing to do just about anything, if I can avoid being successful.
You probably are too.
Some of you are thinking that I am nuttier than a Planter’s convention, but I assure you that this blog post was not made on machinery containing nuts. My parents assure me that neither was my brain, so we are living in a nut-free zone, here.
This is a harsh truth, and the sooner we all own up to it, the better.
We’re afraid of success.
An Anecdote
Don’t you love anecdotes? I do. This one’s going to involve my man-friend of the moment, which means it might just be steamy. It’s a good thing they allowed a woman onto the Men with Pens team, or such posts as these might never have been introduced. I seriously doubt James will ever offer you an anecdote involving his man-friend of the moment, for instance. Think about it.
So my man-friend and I were engaging in some pillow talk (see? STEAMY) and he mentioned that his parents were wishing he’d leave LA and take up elsewhere. Now, their skepticism about his ability to make it in LA might be mislaid. Man-friend is an actor of some measured success by LA standards, which is to say he’s been in some major films and national commercials and quite a lot of smaller stuff.
He’s also currently working as a promoter and a waiter to pay the bills. He hasn’t hit the point of making so much money as an actor that he can do only that for a living.
And this sounds mighty familiar to me as a writer, as it will to many of the rest of you. We may have had some great successes in our fields, but few of us have actually made it to the point where we can quit the ol’ day job and do the thing we love as a career.
Here’s where it gets interesting.
He actually knows what he needs to do to make it as a full-time actor. He needs to go someplace where they’re not just looking for the right “type”. He needs to go someplace where acting is respected on its own merits, and where directors cast people just because they’re that damn talented. Where good acting overshadows whether you are the perfect height, weight, looks, and voice type they want.
He found it in Chicago. Four years ago. And he still hasn’t moved there.
Why?
Same reason you’re still working the day job.
Same reason you haven’t quite shoved off and decided yes, you’re going to be a freelancer now.
Same reason you haven’t taken the leap of faith.
He’s afraid. He’s afraid of failure, yes. But he’s also afraid of what happens if he succeeds.
If he succeeds, there’s always the chance that still won’t be good enough. Sure, he’ll be paying the bills and working full-time doing what he loves, and that’ll be amazing.
But maybe his parents still won’t think it’s a viable career. Maybe they’ll still want him to quit.
Even if he can support himself, maybe he can’t support a family. And he wants a family. Does he really want to find out later that he can’t continue acting because while he was enough of a success for him, he wasn’t enough of a success for them?
Maybe all of his actor friends in LA will think he hasn’t made it, because his name won’t be alongside DeNiro’s in the next big summer blockbuster.
Maybe it’s not worth it to work that hard and achieve success for yourself – only to find it’s not enough for everyone else.
End Anecdote
I gave him a lot of good advice, but as with all human creatures, I told him lots of things I’ve never personally been able to execute for myself. So I’m telling all of you out there, in hopes that repetition will get us all off our butts and out of the fear-game. The fear-game is a sucky game. It’s even worse than Russian Roulette, and it has an even better chance of killing you.
• You deserve to succeed.
• Your dreams are valid.
• No one has the right to tell you your dreams aren’t good enough.
• No one who loves you should ever hold you back from happiness.
• You know what you love to do. You know what you love will make you happy. Go get it.
You may be afraid of success, but it isn’t because you don’t want it for yourself. It’s because you’re afraid other people don’t want it for you. And you know what? Screw ‘em. Your success belongs to you. And it’s nothing to be afraid of.
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I agree…GROUP HUG
Don’t worry, we’re all cool.
You gotta admit, though…the latter part of this comment thread was..(er)…”interesting”, to say the least.
Friar´s last blog ..Stupid Candy Purchases
Friar – “Interesting” is so rarely used to describe anything about which you can find a better compliment, you know?
The thesis isn’t brilliant, but it’s interesting.
The evening gown isn’t beautiful, but it’s interesting.
The lettuce isn’t green, but it’s . . . interesting.
Yes. VERY interesting.
Tei – Men with Pens´s last blog ..Are You Afraid of Success? We Bet Yes.
I am not afraid of success,but ironically the times I was successful, I was shot down by my own demise. The culprit was Al cohol, Al kicked my A$$ over and over. But by God’s grace I am recovering. Almost two years,now I am ready to succeed. That’s why I promote my site Imageisus.com the bigger it gets, the more I succeed. Thanks for the opportunity to share.
Poutine is interesting… now you made me hungry. Maybe I can get a date with Tei AND take her out for supper…
@Tei
Well, it WAS a lively discussion.
Glad it’s over, though.
Friar´s last blog ..Stupid Candy Purchases
This discussion took an ahem ‘interesting’ turn overnight. I do agree with Friar that a lot of people can achieve their dreams because they are supported by a spouse or a family. I know that if I did not have the support of my family or if I was not single or mortgage free, I would not have been able to devote as much time to changing my career from public relations to copywriting in the middle of a financial crisis (yay!). I’m glad that I’ve had the chance to do this before I have the responsibility of a family or a mortgage. So when it comes to pursuing our dreams, we’re not all coming from an even playing ground and it’s not as easy for others. That’s why you need to look at your own personal situation and not define your level of success by others.
@James
Poutine for supper.
Wow..you really know how to show a lady a good time.
Friar´s last blog ..Stupid Candy Purchases
I know I’m coming late to the party, but I wanted to agree that fear has been a huge part of my life since leaving my cubicle job.
I wish I had Alex’s focus. Even when I’m trying to work step-by-step, the fear gremlins often sit up on my shoulder and try to derail me from the tasks at hand.
I don’t know if it’s fear of success or fear of failure, but the gremlins definitely seem to hunger for those tasks that are the most important. The stuff that doesn’t truly matter, they tend to let me get done with no problems.
Bravo sir, bravo!
Chris from AB Web Design, LLC´s last blog ..Do You Write Rubbish?
I think we scared that people will be intimidated by our success. Not everyone wants us to succeed. They fear a person’s power and happiness. Some people become jealous and envious when we go after our dreams. It’s tough to lose family and friends over success. But we have to make ourselves happy.
Omar´s last blog ..Your Better Than That
@Tei
It’s hard to say yes or no, explanation below…
@James
Oh they didn’t teach you that eh? It’s alright, whenever you need a schooling, FJ will be there
I’m not trying to fluff word it, but fear (which IS real, no doubt) is just one of the tools of the avoidance motivator… just like whining, being negative etc. Also remember that “success” is usually defined by some type of “goal”.
Mr.man-friend wants to be an actor with self-sufficient pay, and while he does have achievement motivation to move towards the goal… it is VERY apparent that his avoidance motivation has a force that’s FAR greater.
And if it’s been 4 years, I duno… I think it might be more than just “fear” that’s holding him back. Obviously it could very well ALL be fear since I don’t know the man but I think after doing some digging, other factors will pop-up.
Oh and let’s not forget, at his major point of conflict, mr.man-friend decided to give in and NOT move to Chicago, and you can read the implications of that in my article but I don’t want this to get any longer.
SO.. haha did all of that make sense or was it a case of verbal diarrhea? Probably both.
I wish this dude the best. Sounds like he’s got the chops, he just needs to overcome his inner conflicts.
Cheers.
FitJerk’s Fitness Blog´s last blog ..The Best Shoulder Exercise In The World
@FitJerk – Still looking the same to me… but we still love ya.
@Omar – Personally, I think fear of failure is stronger than fear of success – if you reach for that success and as another commentator implied, are worried you’ll go splat on the ground, that’s a mighty good motivator to stay put, eh?
@Chris – Hehehe, bravos go to the lady, not the sir. (Though I’ll take them anyways!)
@Matthew – I’d say it’s a good idea to figure out exactly what types of tasks don’t scare you, and which do, then ask yourself why. There’s something in there for sure.
@Friar – I am all about letting them indulge their inner hunger.
@Gillian – Single, mortgage-free, family support… those sound like magic words, lol. But honestly? It’s awesome you had that and were able to pursue your dreams furthur.
Realizing that we’re really afraid of our success can be a big breakthrough. As soon as we can name our fears and own them, then we can move on.
Sometimes, we’re afraid of what it takes to be successful. You know, like hard work. And discipline. And giving up TV.
Thanks for an insightful post.
Lexi
Lexi Rodrigo´s last blog ..Meet Savvy Freelancer: Jarrod Thalheimer
@James – well, hopefully not single and/or mortgage free for long
But thanks – I wanted to work from home and I realised my dreams quicker than I thought. I’m lucky to work full time for a company – it’s like freelancing for one client with all the benefits of a full time gig. So I’ve checked that goal and upwards and onwards to a new one!
It would be a bad thing to start doing something you love and then it´s not enough to support a family with the money you make. Then maybe it´s better to never start and just keep the dream? I´m not sure…
furacoua´s last blog ..Las Penitas Real Estate
@ Furacoua – I don’t think it’s a bad thing to try to do something you love and not have it work out. You learn, you experience new things and get to test and try. Even if it bombs, then you’ve come out knowing what NOT to do next time.
From adversity comes growth and strength.