Are you Creating Toxic Conversation?
The amount of venom on the Web never ceases to amaze me. I’ve seen so many innocent posts that have good conversation happening in the comments brought up short by someone who has nothing better to do than to leave derogatory comments.
I understand disagreement is unavoidable. I understand that differing viewpoints make the world go ’round. What I don’t understand is why people feel the need to be abusive.
Take James’ Christmas post as an example. James asked me to take a look at the post before publishing. Frankly, I saw nothing wrong with the story. In my eyes, it wasn’t a controversial or sensitive subject. It was just a post about a man’s thoughts. James has posted far more controversial content, I think, and in the past I’ve suggested toning those down.
I never expected the Christmas post to receive massive backlash.
Many people are disgusted and shocked at the choice James made. I’m equally – if not more – shocked and disgusted at some responses the post received.
This type of behavior is typical on some of the social media sites I’ve visited (and dumped). This behavior is what gives many message boards, places like MySpace, and Digg a bad name. These types of angry comments add nothing to the conversation.
If you disagree, fine. Be an adult about it. Add a useful comment to the thread.
I find it very difficult to ignore flame-seeking trolls. Their lack of respect and immaturity gets my back up. To say anything in defense or retaliation only leads to a mess. Ignoring angry commentators often makes the situation worse.
I find it difficult sticking to our policy of posting every comment. We don’t edit comments or delete them if they aren’t glowing. We put up with the good and the bad. What we’ve been seeing lately makes the respect and tolerance we offer all the more difficult to maintain.
The Internet is a great place with many opportunities, but it seems that people enjoy the advantages while forgetting common courtesy.
You talk about being kind to your fellow man? Keep in mind that kindness isn’t reserved for the homeless guy on the corner. Respect extends to everyone.
You want to be taken seriously? Think before you comment. Extend some common courtesy and common sense to the blog owners so that they can take your comments seriously.
I would like to think we are courteous to our readers. We don’t insult anyone’s intelligence. We don’t condescend. We try to provide quality posts with good information. We care about our virtual community.
But when someone drops by and starts off a comment with “Hey, prick,” I have issues.
Think of a blog as someone’s home. You wouldn’t knock on the front door of a random house on the street to verbally abuse the owner. In some places here in the United States, that’s a sure way to get shot.
If you want to change the world and make it a better place, I have two words of advice: Start here.
17 Responses to “Are you Creating Toxic Conversation?”
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People like this “gentleman,” I treat like I used to deal with my son when he was two-years-old – I ignore them. If they are as intelligent as my son was then, after the lack of attention and response they are not getting (and so desperately want), they stop… or go away.
It is unfortunate that there are individuals so venomous and shallow in our world. But, such is life. However, I am an avid believer in the First Amendment for EVERYONE, no matter how much I might disagree with their words and morals. I applaud you on your stand of not editing comments.
Paraphasing what my grandmother told me on more than one occassion, choose right, no matter how hard that road may be. Then you will always walk with your head held high.
I, for one, hope you will keep tapping away. I am truly enjoying reading the words you deliver.
Thanks, Carmen. Sticking to your guns is easy when the going is good, the true test is when things get hard. We’ll continue to hold our stance on censorship and grit our teeth when the trouble makers start coming out of the woodwork. I know that by writing this post I’m giving them attention, but some things have to be said.
Your grandmother is a wise woman. And don’t worry, I’m sure to wear out another keyboard before the year is out.
@ Carmen – Thanks for the encouragement. Even though we don’t have the First Amendment in Canada, we have… uh… something… well, we’re nice people
I think sometimes people add useless ranting to a conversation over the internet because it’s so anonymous. The world wide web is so impersonal and I think it’s a subconscious thing that makes some people not quite realize that there is a real person on the other end of the line.
Just my two cents..
Another great post! You guys do more than just _try_ to provide quality, you really do provide it. I would say the interesting part is that people who post abusive or angry comments usually think they are making their opinions stronger by reinforcing it with emotion and vigor. In fact, most people who go through assertiveness training learn that to be heard or to get your way, you must remain calm and acknowledge the person you are dealing with. No one wants to listen to someone else insult them and tell them they are wrong. It automatically instills a negative sense in the person you are dealing with. Someone who has negative feelings towards (or from) you will not be receptive. Thus, no matter how strongly you feel about something, the best way to make your point is by conceding a little bit. Angry posters usually do the opposite — they blow things out of proportion in favor of their own point. I guess my point here is that when you (I mean anyone, not you specifically) find yourself in that situation, the reasons for commenting calmly and collectively stretch beyond respect and courtesy. It actually strengthens your argument!
You made my day, Jeff, and you made several good points. I enjoy blogging, exchanging ideas, and hearing what other people have to say on any given subject. Insults and negativity take the high off a great post faster than sharp keys on an expensive paint job. But you know what? No matter how many times something like this happens, James and I manage to get something good from it; whether it’s a fantastic new contact or new readers. The saying is cliché, however, it fits: Everything happens for a reason.
Oddly enough, James is the one who handles stuff like this far more calmly than I do. I admire his grace and dignity in the face of some of the verbal assaults I’ve seen.
Glad you enjoyed the post.
Wow, there’s quite a debate going on over in your Christmas post. In college, I learned how to graciously give and receive constructive criticism through the writing workshops that I participated in. When I got out into the big ugly world, I found that far too many people are willing to sling around their negative opinions without foresight, and without manners.
I commend you guys for leaving all those nasty comments for your readers to observe. Hopefully a couple of people will learn a thing or two from that post and the comments which followed.
James, I’m glad you shared your experience. Homelessness is one of those realities of society that we all too often avoid discussing and confronting. You were brave to write publicly about your conflict of duty and fear, and I would wager that the vast majority of people share your sentiments entirely.
Melissa
@Olive: Anonymity is a problem. It gives many a sense of bravado they wouldn’t normally have in real life. They do forget there is another living, breathing person on the other end of the monitor and rapid-fire their rants thinking they won’t have to suffer any consequences. While these consequences may not happen directly, they perpetuate a nasty cycle and eventually, everyone suffers.
@ Olive – You are correct. Flaming and aggressive attitudes are a problem on the Internet because they are so easy to slip into. I am uber-conscious of how my words look in text, what tone I’m relating and especially, how the other person will interpret my text. People need to be EXTRA careful. What they think sounds witty comes off as condescending. Fun and perky? Rude and obnoxious. Confident and cocky? Arrogant and dictator.
My advantage is that I’ve had years of customer service experience, taken social skills training, quite a number of university courses in psychology, attended seminars on communication, and taken courses in social delegation (which means assisting your co-worker seek help for his drug or alcohol addiction or mental problem or divorce, etc.) Many – MANY – people’s extent of learning social skills comes from peers (not great), families (often dysfunctional) and friends (too relaxed).
But two questions help prevent the problem: Ask yourself, “How many possible ways can the other person hear this message?” and “Why do I *really* want to deliver this type of message to the person?” To hurt? To shame? To feel better about myself? To feel in control?
Or to discuss as two mature people who respect each other?
@ Jeff – Thank you, that’s so cool to hear. And I think you’re absolutely right in everything you said.
@ Melissa – Thank you, too, though brave isn’t usually a quality associated with me.
Like Harry said, it’s always the posts we never think will blow up that have us running for cover. The posts that have us saying, “Ooooh man… Are you really going to post that?” are the ones that get the least commentary. Funny how the world works.
I guess I should be surprised by the reaction, but I’m not. I’ve found on the internet people at times become bold because they are anonymous and say things they most likely wouldn’t say in person.
I read the post the day it was created. I liked the post because of the honesty, and the fears you expressed were some I’ve had when I’ve encountered some homeless people, even though I do volunteer at a homeless shelter, I still occasionally have those feelings. I’m uncertain as to what I should do.
If we all think about it, we’ve faced similar feelings at some point in our lives those who were attacking you were doing what they accused you of doing. Insulting people is not the way to win people over.
@ Addicted – Thank you. Your comment means a lot to me.
I too could not believe the response you guys received on that Christmas post. I took it for what it is worth; a learning experience for anyone interested.
I understand some people being a little upset because he didn’t do anything; they have that right. What I do not think they have a right to do is act like their opinions and holier than thou attitude is better.
James made a decision, apparently with much difficult and stuck by it. I cannot say I would have made the same decision, because I have been known to give money to the homeless, but I would never, ever put James down because he didn’t do so.
Honestly, those type of responses just prove how ignorant people are. That is not a put down, just a fact. I do not think I have ever seen so many assumptions made in a comments section of a post. We all know what ‘assume’ means.
Just so you know, I have in the past been known, when I have seen people in need on the street, to just go up and give them cash. While some would call me stupid and this could lead to them just purchasing alcohol and such; well I beg to differ. Not all homeless are into drinking alcohol and who am I to judge. I am there to give, not judge. I honestly leave it in God’s hands. What that person does with the money is between them and God (if they believe). As I stated, it is not my place to judge and I do not preach. I just give! This has been wonderful for my children to see and I have always done it in a very public place so I never felt in danger.
Happy New Year and I hope all is going well!
@ Laura – So far, it’s all going well. Thanks very much for your comments and thoughts!
I vowed two years ago not to have a MySpace account. And you still won’t find me there due to bad publicity and comments.
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Funny, I’ve been writing about Toxic Drama lately.
I read that Christmas post and was caught up in the anticipation of a Hollywood ending. Getting in the car and driving away reminded me that “real life ain’t Hollywood baby.”
People get weird when you break an unspoken rule – like they’ve been handed a free ticket to be toxic. Oh the power of righteous indignation – granting divine permission to unsheathe my mighty sword and slay the offending ogre.
Joe
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