Do You Have the Courage to Ask for Help?
If you needed help, would you ask for it? Before you answer, think about that. Think really hard. I’m not so sure the answer is yes.
I thought about how we don’t ask for help when we truly need it when I read about Michael Martine’s car accident. His Jeep and a cliff wall had sat down for tea together, and Michael found himself thankful to be alive… only without wheels.
He could have gone home and stared at the walls, wondering how on earth he’ll find the money for a new car so that he could get to work. He could have shuffled his credit cards to decide which one had enough space to cough up a down payment. He could have asked friends to help.
He did.
Michael posted about his car accident on his blog, and flat out asked for help. I don’t know many people who would have the guts to do the same.
I’ve faced tough times myself, more than I’d like to count. I’ve stood by the mailbox staring at an unexpected bill I just received, wondering how in god’s name would I ever find the money to pay it. I’ve used credit cards to cover the bills, putting myself deeper in debt to pay the debt I had.
I rarely asked for help – and truthfully? I think more of us should be like Michael, honest and brave enough to ask for what we need.
Michael isn’t stupid, either. He’s a rather brilliant man, in fact. He knows there are plenty of other people in the world who need help. I’m sure it was hard for him to sit down and write that post, and I’m positive he knew he might have to answer, “Why you?”
He asked anyways.
He took his courage in his hands (and most likely a very deep breath) and asked for help to raise funds for a down payment so that he could get a car, get to work and support his family. He also tried to find a way that he could give back for the help he received, too, giving his time and expertise in return for donations.
For both those reasons, for having the strength to know when to ask – and in a very public way – and for finding a way to give back to those who gave, I think Michael deserves applause.
I know many, many people who don’t ask for help exactly when they should. They think they have to be tough and take care of themselves. They believe that if they got themselves into this mess, they should get themselves out. They’re worried and stressed.
They’re preventing themselves from overcoming obstacles because they can’t ask for help.
I’d be one of those people, too. I have no trouble asking for help in certain areas, and then there are other times when I’d rather choke on stones before admitting I could use a hand. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to admit I need help. I don’t want to show weakness to others.
(Hey. I have appearances to keep up, y’know?)
The problem is that we’ve become so caught up in maintaining appearances for others, so guilty that we need help when we already have so much, so fearful of what people think of us that we can’t do what we need to do and set ourselves up for more unhappiness.
Tough times are part of life? Suck it up and deal with it? Get out of your own mess? Who are you to ask for help when there are people who need it more?
It doesn’t have to be that way.
I like to think that we don’t have to suck it up. I like to think that I don’t have to guilt-trip myself thinking of huge organizations trying to save the world. I’d love to help save the world, and I do what I can.
But I also like to think that if a friend asks for my help, I’ll be there, and that if I have the courage to ask, my friends that are there for me too.
All we need to do is learn to admit we need the help and start to ask for what we need.
In spirit of this thread and Michael’s willingness to ask for what he needs, we’ve set up a HelpLine Exchange over at our forum. Feel free to come and ask for help – and to give back as well.
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Your HelpLine Exchange is a great idea, James. I also like the fact that it’s not for outright handouts either: it’s designed to be an exchange of goods and services wherever possible.
Well since I couldn’t ask for gobs of cash, I asked for what I really need: accountability support to get my info-products developed (the one area of the business that moves too slowly for my liking).
Great idea!
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome´s last blog post…I Got Off My Ass and Did It
Funny you should write about that, as soon as I read the title I was going to say that I just hired a blog consultant (michael) to help me with blog ideas.
He’s been a great help
Cheers,
Glen
Glen Allsopp´s last blog post…3 Stories That’ll Make You Think Twice
James,
I’m with Mark – your HelpLine Exchange is an awesome idea, thanks for doing it.
I was pleased to see how people came together for Michael.
Ask for help – that’s all you have to do.
I guess if you think about it, that’s sort of what the One Red Paperclip guy did to get his house. Apparently he wants to trade the house now (I just checked). Hmm, I wonder what life is like in Kipling, Saskatchewan…
Brett Legree´s last blog post…fail to succeed – report card, week 4.
@ Brett – My brother just moved to SK. It’s boomtown out there.
@James,
That’s what I understood, the gov’t is considering a nuclear reactor build so that means they have money. With the reductions in manufacturing here in Ontario, and the upswing in AB and SK, I feel like I’m in a “have not province”!
Brett Legree´s last blog post…fail to succeed – report card, week 4.
James,
Okay, first I thought the title was about you.
Even though, as Carly Simon sang, I knew the song (should be) about me. I’m a “rather choke on stones” chick for sure. When I’ve had no other choice I’ve done it, but maybe because the times I’ve asked for help have been so absolute, I’d far rather be tough as often as I can. I wait until I’m drowning, and even then I tell myself, as you said—if I got myself into this, I can get myself out of it.
Then, I realized Remarkablogger is sitting unread in my email inbox, and I wandered right over to give some help and a smile to Michael.
It’s beautiful to hear of someone who isn’t so caught up in fool’s pride as I can be.
And it’s nice that it isn’t about me and I don’t have to confess that refusing to admit weakness is my weakness, or rib you about how you hate to admit weakness.
Best. Referral post. Ever. You’re a good man.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post…Ambition vs. Stability: Which Would You Choose?
Love, love your writings!! I identified with your subject so much I wrote a book about it. As a speaker, I’m finding it’s an epidemic.
What does that say about us? Just like you said “appearances” are what matter in our media driven reality. That’s sad, isn’t it?
When we remain so “Self-Sufficient” we cut ourselves off from what we’re really longing for – to belong – and we won’t ever feel we belong til we’re willing to show we’re vulnerable. Funny how that works.
You write so well . I’ve bookmarked your writing so I can share it with others.
@ Peggy – Thank you for the compliments. You made my morning. And you’re right; I think our society has become too focused on being independent and forgets that self-sufficiency actually holds us back from reaching many goals.
@ Kelly – Thank you to you too. That’s high praise, and I feel honored. I hope more good things comes from this situation. I’m just sorry Michael had to crash his Jeep for it to happen.
@ Glenn – Good on you. Tapping people for help is one of the best ways that you can advance your ideas and form a strong, solid plan.
@ Alex – Ahh, accountability… Yes!
@ Mark – Yeah, I wanted to really make it a win-win opportunity. I thought of it because I’d been helping someone for quite a while, bouncing emails and sharing advice, and then he surprised me this week with a blunt email that said, “Alright, now. What can I do for you?”
I had to sit there for a while because I almost couldn’t absorb that someone would ask me that, and I didn’t know what to say. Then I realized, damn, what a fantastic thing. Whipped off an email with what I needed, received a great answer, and now both of us feel satisfied and happy we’ve gotten past our obstacles.
All it took was that simple question and my willingness to show I could use a hand.
Holy Crikey, thanks for the post (and the lesson), James. You guys are the best. I love the idea of the “help exchange”! As I was reading your post, I though, “does this guy have a camera in my house I don’t know about, or something?”
What you described is pretty much how it happened.
These are some powerful thoughts on what independence really means. I think interdependence makes us stronger. We keep throwing around words like “community” when we talk about blogs and social media. This episode has been a powerful example how real that can be.
Thank you all so much!
Michael Martine – Remarkablogger´s last blog post…Social Media has the Power to Change Lives, and I Should Know
I don’t ask for help, even when I really need it. And it’s rarely financial help–it’s usually that I have to do something that I just don’t know how to do, and don’t know how to even start figuring it out.
The result is that I’ve become remarkably good at “figuring things out,” but that’s not a genuine strength. It’s more like a person who has massive arm muscles because they refuse to use their legs…
KatFrench´s last blog post…Five Years.
How much help should you need before you ask for help though? Do you only ask when the alternative is that your life will be in the toilet or is it okay to ask for nice to haves. Examples might make this clearer but I can’t come up with a good one off the top of my head.
I’m with you on the stone choking James. It’s silly, I know it, and yet I continue to do it all the time. I’ve been better in the last few months than ever before in my life, part of it is the collaborative strength of the web; it just seems to bring it out in me. I love the idea of your help forum. Really smart.
Writer Dad´s last blog post…Sliding Doors
@ Writer Dad – I think us bloggers have the hardest time with asking for help – we always have to be the guys that KNOW everything and have huge appearances to maintain. But we soon learn that life is about sharing and collaborating for better things.
@ John – I think that the best time to ask for help is when you hit the point of stress, frustration, and knowing you’re going to have to really roll up your sleeves. I also mean the very *point*, the moment when you say, “Crap.”
Bingo. Ask. No crap. Not even the slightest bit of stress. Get rid of it; we have enough to deal with every day. If it’s not going to be fun, pleasant or a learning experience, ask. Right away.
@ Kat – Oh, how right you are. This reminds me of the entrepreneur who feels he has to wear all the hats. “Just part of business!” No, guys. It isn’t. Ask for help and learn to work smarter, not harder.
@ Michael – No, thank you. Your experience and strength of being able to do what you did was a valuable lesson to me. I’m glad you were there to give it and make me think.
I don’t ask for help. Period. Just won’t do it. Oh, I can ask for a ride to the store or help with lifting something heavy, but no significant help.
I GIVE help. Willingly, constantly.. my wife bites her tongue mostly but now and then she’ll ask if really can afford to give so much of my time and money away for free.. and I always say “Yes, I can.. for now anyway”.
For me it isn’t fear of showing weakness. I’ll admit failings and weaknesses all the time. If I’m short on cash, I won’t hide that – BUT..
I’m not going to ask. The reason is that I have no way of knowing how well or bad off anyone else is. As you note, people lie, implicitly and explicitly. People lie without even meaning to lie because other people make assumptions.
For example, I’m sure lots of people thought Michael Martine was doing well – and yet he didn’t even buy insurance for his car! Obviously he wasn’t doing well enough to afford things he should have had!
It’s the same everywhere. I have a relative with millions of dollars in property – and millions of dollars of debt and crushing real estate taxes to pay. Most people only know about the land and buildings they own.. I know they’ve been nearly bankrupt several times.
So, how can I ask for help? The apparent wealth or apparent poverty of my neighbor is meaningless. He could be far worse off than I or far better, but I can’t tell.
You could say “So ask – the person can say No”. Maybe they can. But maybe they “owe me”. Maybe I’ve helped them a dozen times in the past and they feel obligated even though they can’t really afford the time or the money. No, I can’t ask.
I’ll visit your Exchange. If I can help someone, I will. But I won’t be asking.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
I agree that it takes courage to ask for help.
In order to get good help, I think it also takes wisdom and insight to ask for the right help from the right person. Everyone can help in different ways. If you don’t figure out what kind of help each person can best give you, and then ask each person for that help, I think you’re missing a huge opportunity.
After mustering the courage to ask, it’s actually too easy to broadcast a message like “I need money for X” or “I need a job”. It takes work to send individual messages like “Do you know three people in field X who could help me find a position that suits my passion for this area?” or “My business failed; will you help me understand what I did wrong?”
Courage is necessary. It’s not sufficient for really valuable help.
Best regards,
Jim
Hmmm… I experience crap all the time, doesn’t everyone (?), maybe my crap-tolerance is pretty low. But it’s my crap and I need to deal with it (not saying my crap is anywhere near the same level as driving my car into a cliff mind you). Interesting idea though – thanks.
This is a cool post (not to peck posterior here) but it’s exactly the kind of post that sets you guys apart from most writing/blogging/emarketing blogs because it seems initially off topic but it isn’t. We’re all small time, really, and the slightest change can send us spiraling out of control, over the lip of the cop-show-car-chase-canyon where our business will explode on impact.
I think there’s an implied challenge: when someone we know or respect does ask for help, do we have the courage to deliver it? It’s not easy to shell out cash, partner on a project, or loan someone your car. It takes effort and trust.
Christopher Garlington´s last blog post…Cussin’ Up a Storm
Really astute article, James. It’s great that you addressed the number one issue that inhibits people from asking for help: keeping up appearances, or in other words, pride. People are often too proud to ask for anyone, which ultimately leaves them with nothing. Glad I read your post, I’m quite motivated now to ask for a free coffee at Starbucks, lol.
Vancouver Events´s last blog post…Coffee for Alzheimer’s / Online / December 13th, 2008 / 2524
I am standing up and applauding this post. Well, figuratively, since I’m sitting in the NICU with our month-old preemie twin boys, and I don’t want to create that much fuss here.
This has been a lesson for me over and over again. And it’s one of the main themes I’ve seen in our business with our clients, too- trying to convince all of us how helpless we are, and how much we need help, that it’s okay to accept, to be friends with our neediness, and to ask for help.
It’s so humbling to realize that at core I can’t do anything without help- I can’t generate the oxygen I breathe, I can’t make the crops grow. The level of things I seem to have control over is so miniscule, such as what I might want to eat for lunch- and I still need help, because the food still needs to get to me…
Anyway, I applaud Michael’s willingness to ask for help. I applaud the help exchange. And I know I’m going to be reduced to asking for more help than I ever imagined asking for when we finally bring these twins home.
Luckily, helping others is one of the great joys in life- and if I can just remember that others deserve that joy, then I end up asking for help, too…
There’s a Sufi quote that applies here, spiritually, physically, in all ways: “The goal of life is not to drink until your thirst is quenched. The goal is to develop the perfect thirst, so that you never stop drinking.”
love and love and love
Mark Silver´s last blog post…The Insider’s View
The internet is an interesting community. Not only is it full of people with the hardware and monies to be blessed with internet access, but it’s full of people who have friends (speaking of the social web). Everyone posting here is fortunate enough to have the internet and friends.
What about those people who don’t have? Are we so blinded by where we are they we’ve forgotten who we are? Is the reality of poverty–and I mean real, starving, decaying, homeless poverty–lost on the internet generation?
Or is it simply that we prefer to help our own–our friends and peers–before venturing into the scary realm of real poverty?
It takes courage to ask for help. It takes more to give up your possessions and luxuries and wants before asking for donations. You can bet my widescreen TV will be the first to go if I can’t make rent.
You may have to forgive my negativity, but before we pat ourselves on the back, maybe we should visit the local rescue shelter. Or even move in.
James, I commend you for writing this post, and for sharing your heart, and for opening that helpline exchange in your forum! Now, I”m off to read that post you’re talking about…
*smiles*
Michele
Michele´s last blog post…Help Naomi Dunford Fight Domestic Violence
Some people think that asking for help is a sign of weakness when in reality it’s a sign of strength.
It takes guts to announce to the world that you can’t do something on your own even though the reality is none of us ever do.
Tim Brownson´s last blog post…Buddhism, Beatles & Brilliance
Ryan,
I’ve been there. And I don’t mean as a visitor. Are we not to help friends because there are things which are worse?
Have you been there, to visit, to give, or otherwise?
I don’t mean to be negative, but I can’t think of anything wrong with helping someone who reaches out, so that he never has to reach depths which I have probed for myself.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post…Ambition vs. Stability: Which Would You Choose?
@ Ryan – You bring up a point that we knew would be discussed, and it’s very valid. I agree that there are many people out there who need help, from the people who live next door to the people across the world in Africa. Who are we to ask each other for help when they suffer?
Here’s my take on it: It is extremely overwhelming to feel the guilt and responsibility of helping the world. I wish I could do more, but very honestly, I can’t live with that weight on my shoulders or I’d sit down and sob. The world is a damned grim place.
I do know this: That by helping friends, I’m creating an inter-relational network of people who understand helping other people. Divided, god, we’re just a drop in the ocean. But together, as we learn to ask, receive and help each other, we become stronger as one.
And then maybe we can do something to change the world.
Well call me slow – I didn’t even realise you had a forum. This is a great gesture and I agree – Michael was very brave to ask for help. And also very wise, as lots of people want to help him.
Such a great post, James. Mark S, I loved your take as well–we literally can’t breathe without help. Everything that lives depends on someone or something else. Self reliance is a wonderful quality, but like many wonderful qualities, it can be pushed to an unhealthy extreme.
@Ryan, I think there’s a great spirit on the Internet to help those affected by serious poverty. There are countless examples. The fact that I give 10% of my income to SmileTrain and World Vision in no way means I won’t give to a friend who needs a hand. Positioning one against the other is a false argument, IMO.
When you have a habit of giving, you give. The more we give, the more we realize that we are truly wealthy, and the more we have to offer.
Sonia Simone´s last blog post…Why This is the Best Time to Finally Break Free
I have to thank some Twitter folks for getting me here, I really did think it was a boy’s club by the title and didnt dig deep enough to find out. I am subscribing. BTW I like how your site looks -Thanks!
Lady O Trout´s last blog post…"It’s the economy, stupid!"
@James: I don’t know how people could read this article or about this situation and not feel a little more charitable, a little more giving. You’re definitely building that network. The selfish side of me just wanted to bring representation to the friendless or otherwise “disconnected.”
The world may be turning into a class system with only rich and poor, but the internet is supposed to be the great equalizer of information, knowledge and opportunity. It’s not there yet, and the only way to take it there is to pull those who are below it up to its level. That’s not to say we shouldn’t help those already here.
“It takes more to give up your possessions and luxuries and wants before asking for donations. You can bet my widescreen TV will be the first to go if I can’t make rent.”
Yes, so would I, but..
I have a relative in trouble. Big trouble. In jail right now, but the trouble started years before that with him in and out of drug rehab programs.
We’ve been helping his wife and children for some time now. It stretches us a little thin at times but we have to do what we have to do.
Here’s the thing: she and he both smoke. That’s a damn expensive habit today, especially when you need money for the mortgage. They also have birds: cockatiels and parakeets – lots of them, which also costs money that should be going to bills.
My wife reminds me of those two things fairly often. Heck, we aren’t rich – we do very, very well but I’m no Bill Gates. Shouldn’t they quit smoking and give up those birds?
Yes, they should, but that’s their choice. It’s not in me to say “Sure, I’ll help but first you have to make the scarifices I would make if I were in your shoes”
Because who knows what I wouldn’t give up? Would I sell my MacBook? I could work just as well on a Linux box, but no, I wouldn’t. Would I give up high speed FIOS? I don’t “need” this speed, but I wouldn’t drop back.
Would I take a job? No way.. no matter how desparate.
So how can I tell them what they should give up?
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
@ Ryan – It’s good to play devil’s advocate and look at all sides of any situation, and I absolutely welcome the perspective and comments you brought here. As I said, they’re very valid indeed.
Here’s a thought for you: Harry and I want to donate part of our earnings to a charity or an organization, as Sonia does. And then we realized, god, which one to pick? Alzheimer’s for my Dad? Hunger for my kids? Greenpeace for our love of animals? The environment so we can live healthier?
The list was so huge, it ended up making me feel incredibly guilty to pick just one.
But Michael’s situation and writing this post has sincerely brought new thoughts to mind, and I hope it does the same for everyone. Baby steps, starting small, helping each other. It’s very good.
@ Tony – I’ve heard people say, “Don’t give money to the homeless. They only drink it away.”
Cripes, if I was homeless, I’d want a damned drink too.
I totally sympathize with Michael. I was in a near-death crash myself 5 years ago, where my car got totalled. It really sucked…But I was unhurt, and luckily my folks had an old clunker Honda Civic there were trying to get rid of. They couldnt’ even sell it for $500, so they gave it to me to tide me over.
But there’s one thing nobody’s saying in all these comments.
There are a lot of people out there, within our own communities that not only dont’ have enough money to buy another car, but they can’t afford food or afford shelter, either.
It’s just something to think about.
Friar´s last blog post…Vintage Friar Toons #4
@ Friar – Actually, we have mentioned it. Ryan brought something like that up, Sonia did as well, Tony, myself… the thought is there. It’s present.
It’s hard to know when to ask for help and it’s just as hard to know when to give it too. I think it’s easier to give to people we know because with many of them we understand exactly how difficult it is for them to ask in the first place.
I’m like James, I don’t ask for help often. I’ll go for as long as I can and even past the point when I should have asked for help before I’ll send out an SOS.
On the other side of the coin, I know I can’t save the world. I do what I can when I can. I’ll help out someone on the street with the spare bills in my pocket if I have any in there at the time (which isn’t often, I use my debit card for everything), I’m a sucker for the ASPCA commercials, but I have yet to donate. Instead I’ll take the spare cat toys or towels and blankets I don’t need anymore and bring them down to the shelter. I clean out my closets once a year and donate clothing or other items I don’t need anymore to the local Salvation Army. Those are small gestures, but someone somewhere will get some use from them.
So what it comes down to is doing what you can when you can in a manner that doesn’t leave you in the poor house either. Am I rich? Hell no. I’m trying to make my own ends meet over here too. I’m not poor either, but I’m very much aware that if I donate to every cause that comes across my doorstep I won’t have enough to meet my own needs. It sounds selfish, but yeah, I do come first.
I think that while it takes a great deal of courage (and for some of us stubborn folks desperation) to ask for help, it takes more courage to place the offer, truly mean it, and to follow through. It’s like the friend who tells you to drop by anytime and then, when you do, she’s peeved that you showed up in the middle of her favorite Daytime Soap.
For example, if someone offered Michael something in exchange of services, and then at the last minute took the offer back that would be harmful. That could stop Michael from asking for help in the future. That could make Michael’s situation worse. I would challenge everyone else, that if Michael had the guts to ask – have the guts to say what you really can and can’t do.
Emma
Emma´s last blog post…Give Thanks to a Blogger
Giving no interest loans to family or friends when they really need it can be a great act of kindness.
Then they can pay it back whenever they get their head above water and are able to.
Bamboo Forest´s last blog post…How to Prevent Being Struck by Your Mind’s Immobilizing Arrows
Here’s an idea, just to add to the thought raised by Ryan and Friar.
Maybe there are people “more deserving” of my help, whatever that means.
But perhaps I just can’t make the time to seek them out, so instead, I help someone else.
That someone else might then help another person – and so on, and so on – until the person who really needs the help, gets the help.
A cascade, a butterfly effect, whatever.
Good discussion here today.
Brett Legree´s last blog post…fail to succeed – report card, week 4.
There is a #canihelp thing going on in twitter on Wednesdays. Also a friend asked for help as she’s about to lose her apartment. Yes, it’s OK to ask for help… just read the Aladdin Factor. Sometimes it works and sometimes they say, “No.” The world won’t crash when that happens.
If you can help my friend — whether with $ or hiring her for QuickBooks help…
http://www.caringformymom.com/
It could happen to any of us — even smart and successful people. We had unexpected medical bills and had to dig into savings. Yet, I’m still giving a little help to my friends and others because I have a home and a family. That makes me rich.
Meryl K. Evans´s last blog post…Hey! Your Life Sucks! Life Is a Gift
@harry:
Guilt.
I had a small email conversation this morning about this thread and “guilt” came up.
I’ve eaten my peck of dirt. Struggled to pay for groceries, gone hungry, sat in a crappy car on the side of a road in the pouring rain and cried out loud because I didn’t know how we were going to survive.
But we did. Smart, lucky, both, doesn’t matter. We did well. Bought a home in an affluent town, put the kids through school, all that and more. Invested, saved, built a business that puts money into the bank every month before I even do a lick of work. We did well. I worked hard, but I got there.
But I feel guilt. Deep aching guilt. I say dammit, I want to retire, I’ve been working my tail off for forty seven effing years since I was thirteen years old, isn’t that enough? Don’t I deserve to be a little selfish now and say yeah, I could do more, but I want to relax, I don’t want to work so hard any more, so no, I don’t want to give very much now.. I want to slack off a bit..
And as I said above, I have people I have to help. Family. Friends. Neighbors. Isn’t it enough? Isn’t it enough, dammit? Who’s going to help me when my brain goes and I can’t do this junk any more? Who’s going to remember all that I selflessly gave? Nobody.. so isn’t it enough???? Aren’t I entitled to be a little selfish now?
I look in the mirror and shake my head. I just don’t have an answer.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
“no interest loans to family or friends”
I’ve had a long policy on that. I won’t do it.
I’ll give money. If they want to give me money someday, great. If not, nobody has to feel guilty or cheated. I gave them what they wanted to “borrow”. No stress, no guilt for them if they never dig themselves out.
As it turns out, I’ve never gotten any of it back. That’s fine. The people I gave it to have probably forgotten about it long ago and I’m glad they did.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
Many of us are so spam and noise conscious — having seen too much of the irritating, shameless self promotion — that we often don’t want to be seen as such, or we feel shamed to come hat in hand to others with the fear of rejection hanging over head, or perhaps we have tried asking once before and been left alone facing turned backs. Sure it’s tough to ask! I’m just glad your post is addressing this and making people think.
SpaceAgeSage´s last blog post…Relationship (or leadership) is not about control
Asking for help can be hard indeed. To turn this away from the financial for a tic, the idea of collaborating on writing/blogging/podcasting to help one another in those situations is imo one of the great things about social networking. It’s so easy to collaborate now and to lift one another up in these new forms of media/new distribution channels. I think that there is also a challenge in offering help.
I understand if your bread and butter is charging for these services. Still, MwP does their Sunday Drive Bys to help bloggers improve their sites and this gent is offering his help for free as well in spite of his situation. So putting the offer out there to help others, I think helps to blunt the edge of needing to ask. If I know someone is offering help that I need then I’m going to go to them first. That builds a community and community is all about lifting one another up. Don’t be afraid to give some help away.
Asking for help is something as a writer I’ve learned to do out of necessity. Writing groups, folks like the ones over at http://escapingreality.ca/boards/index.php, my alpha readers, my podcast audience, all of these people are helping me to be a better writer. And you have to be willing to accept that help, that can be a challenge to I think. When you get that help accepting it graciously and using it isn’t easy.
Back on the money thing, I asked for donations a while back for improved audio equipment. Could I have afforded it? Eventually sure. I asked for it anyway, mainly to see what would happen. A few of my listeners, once they knew that I had a need, jumped at the chance to help. Asking for help be it money, services, advice, or whatever can bless the giver as much as it blesses you.
Anyway, I’m rambling a bit, so I hope a few of these points made sense.
Scott´s last blog post…Marxist Zombies
I just want to say that the comments and conversation going on today is very fantastic, and I feel honored that people are comfortable enough with our blog to put up thoughtful, honest comments to help the “thinking” and “introspection” of the moment.
This is more than I hoped to achieve, and I am deeply, deeply honored and thankful that people came to read and understand what I meant to say.
I’d love to respond to everyone personally and share this fantastic discussion, but I think there’s no way I’ll be able to do so. Please know that I’m reading every comment and getting all fucking mushy over here.
@James:
Probably we feel comfortable opening up because you open up to us.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
@Scott: You know, every time I see “Scott” or James refers to you by your name other than Tramp or Lee, I have this moment of “Who’s Scott?”
I think you made a good point that it’s easier than ever to ask for and receive help. This global connectedness wouldn’t have been possible back in the day when we relied on snail mail.
@Sage: Yeah, all of our noise filters have gotten tougher to break through. I’m sure we’ve all been desensitized by the constant barrage of everyone always asking for something and it’s hard to spot the genuine requests
@Tony: I don’t feel any guilt rejecting requests, but if I were to turn my back on a good friend when they needed the help, you can bet I’d feel guilty about it.
Nor do I ever expect anything in return, I know that somewhere down the road it’ll come back. When I left my ex, I really thought I was alone and no one would help. My friends came through. One call and they were saying, “So, how long do I have to clean out the guest room?” No hesitation, no wondering how long I’d have to stay, just an open door and a place to live. That made all the years of giving selflessly to my friends over the years worth the times I wondered when I’d “get mine”.
I’m not saying I still don’t have those angry moments either. James and I talk about that often. We both do a lot for people and it’s really hard to keep going when we’re met with hostility for our efforts. Do these people see all the hard work and sacrifice that goes on behind the scenes? No, they don’t. Do we stop doing what we’re doing? Nope, we keep giving back because for every squeaky wheel seeing only negatives, there’s plenty of people who quietly acknowledge the gesture for what it is and benefit from it.
Of course, I don’t mean you. You’re like Don Rickles, we expect you to be grumpy
@Meryl: Point your friend to our help board, maybe there are a few people she can barter her services with. That was a brilliant idea on James’ part and I think it could work if people use it. Look at the guy who started by trading just a paperclip on Craig’s List. He kept bartering and now he has a house and is doing pretty well. You can read about it here: One Red Paperclip
@James
I stand corrected.
(Sorry, I musta missed the point, I was skimming through the comments rather quickly (as I was reading this at work ). Normally, I’d follow the post more carefully!
Friar´s last blog post…Vintage Friar Toons #4
@Harry That’s okay, I still can’t keep track of which one of you is Refugee and which one is the Gatekeeper, especially when neither of those match your IM handles.
Scott´s last blog post…Marxist Zombies
Wow, quite the conversation going on here. When my friend ask for help, I don’t think that there are starving kids somewhere who deserve it more (though they do). I help my friend. A person may, at any time, choose to contribute to a charity. Whether a person does or does not, will that person turn away from helping friends and family? As Tony has eloquently described, dealing with family is complicated and full of heart-wrenching choices.
I think stuff like this is more about who you know and who is in your personal network of friends and colleagues. We help people we know.
There are many ways in which I don’t deserve this at all. I chose to save money by not having full coverage on my vehicle. I chose to wait a little longer on winter tires to save money. I chose a job with a 45-minute commute over a highway known for bad winter weather. Anyone could decide that because of those things I do not deserve a dime for my troubles.
Many people have said they gave because of all the value I’ve provided them on my blog and on Twitter. They feel I deserve something. Both of these things are true: in some ways I could be seen as deserving, in another light, undeserving.
I had to really think about a lot of things before going forward with this. My back was against the wall. I swallowed my pride and it was a scary thing to do. But I had already cheated death and I am still here. I still get be with my wife and my family, and in light of that, my pride did not seem so insurmountable. Providing something tangible and helpful in exchange takes the edge off, too. You can look at it like a purchase if you want to, trading value for value.
The Bank of Karma is a funny thing. You never know how big your balance is, and when you make a withdrawal, you never know how much you’re going to get… if anything.
Michael Martine – Remarkablogger´s last blog post…Social Media has the Power to Change Lives, and I Should Know
@Michael: “There are many ways in which I don’t deserve this at all. I chose to save money by not having full coverage on my vehicle. I chose to wait a little longer on winter tires to save money. I chose a job with a 45-minute commute over a highway known for bad winter weather. Anyone could decide that because of those things I do not deserve a dime for my troubles.”
They could. Some will. But EVERYBODY makes choices that could bite them in the ass. Presumably you didn’t give up tires and insurance so that you could vacation in Aruba next month. That kind of stupidity might give more people pause
No, you likely gave them up because you felt you had to give up something and that looked like something you could gamble on. You lost the bet; that’s no reason to grind your nose in the dirt.
I can’t contribute right now and you and I have some bad blood between us anyway but I do wish you well with this and hope that you get enough to get you out of the hole and that next year is better for you. Hang in there and keep striving.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
On an interesting side note in the business of charitable organizations, time and again, studies have proven that people contribute to people.
Those donation letters? They aren’t worth a dime if there isn’t a picture of a battered dog or a starving child or a devastated rain forest. They aren’t going to collect a thing if we don’t read about Sparky or Lidiana or Costa Somewhere.
Check out your mail next time you receive a pledge request – the big-name charities know this strategy and tactic and they use it wisely.
And this is one of the reasons we tend to give to faces, not the faceless.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now (you know it’s a great one when it makes me think this much!) and most of my thought has gone along the same lines as Scott’s comments – it’s not always about asking for money.
In college, I was too danged proud to ask for help from my professors, even when it would have helped me understand the subject matter so much better. I was afraid of looking stupid. Luckily now I’ve gotten over *that* pride, and I’m able to ask for help on ER to help improve my writing.
However, I still think there are a lot of pride and fear issues that come with asking for help, and I think that it’s fantastic that Michael was able to overcome these and ask for the help he needed. Still, there are several issues that probably need to be overcome that keep me, and probably many other people, from asking for help even when they badly need it.
Even when people offer their help, there’s always the fear that Emma mentioned – that they’ll rescind the offer, or that they didn’t *really* mean it. It’s that, more than anything else, which has kept me from taking people up on their offers to help… even when I badly needed the help.
Allison Day´s last blog post…A Hug Rolled up with Salmon and Seaweed
This is a great discussion.
I think that whenever we decide to donate money to help someone, it should come with no strings attached.
No judgements on the persons’ lifestyle. No lectures about what they should have done to save money. No checking to see if they use the money you gave them to buy a pack of smokes. And no sense of entitlement, that this person now “owes you a favor”.
If it’s a true gift, you give the money unconditionally, and wish them the best.
Otherwise, it might as well be a loan. (and that’s a whole other story altogether.)
Friar´s last blog post…Vintage Friar Toons #4
@Friar: The trouble is, some people do give back.
I help out my neighbors with ‘puter problems. Free, no charge. I define “neighbor” as any of the 800 to 900 people living in our little community
Anyway, today we got $50.00 worth of chocolate (Lake Champlain Chocolate – very nice!) from “a grateful neighbor” and a $50 gift certificate to a restaurant we really like. The last was from a guy who probably donates 20 hours a week to charitable causes and is out of work himself – I certainly didn’t want anything from him!
So even though we don’t expect it – don’t even WANT it – sometimes we get paid back anyway.
And Harry wonders why I’m grumpy!
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
So I was in the library today because I wanted to see what my site looked like on an old PC (fantastic suggestion James. I see exactly what you mean) and the library wouldn’t let me drop a comment! Grrr! I’ve never been banned from comments before. A lot’s happened since then. I have nothing to add other than this is an awesome discussion and I hope it gets a lot of attention.
Writer Dad´s last blog post…Sliding Doors
Beautiful post guys!
This reminds me of the saying “A chain is as strong as its weakest link.” As part of the online community, I don’t want to see any one of us fall apart. If we can help each other, then we will be strong enough to help the world at large.
I am glad to do my part when I can. Sometimes, I can afford to give. Always, I can afford to tweet, and to blog.
Whether you decide to give is a personal choice. Whether you decide to care about another human who is hurting, is even more personal.
Kimberlee
Kimberlee´s last blog post…The Writer’s Limits
Darn you Chartrand, is this payback for the Lion video? I sit here in tears because you are right. If asked for help, I give it readily. I don’t think twice and I never think less of the person for needing help. In fact when I can help I consider it a wonderful blessing to be able to share it with someone else. Yet, I have toughed out horrible situations and never opened my mouth. I didn’t want to be a bother, didn’t think I was worthy, blah, blah, blah but now I read this and feel like a jerk. I love the idea of the help exchange. We all have tough times and even not so tough times. We don’t have to do it alone, so let’s stop that right now.
Karen Swim´s last blog post…The Gift of Words
Think for a moment how good it felt to help someone in need or to receive a grateful smile for a favor you did. Helping others feels really good.
We don’t get to feel that good if no one ever asks for help. During a very painful and unexpected abandonment by my first husband, an elderly man at my church made this point to me. People felt good about helping me that year. To not let them help was to rob them of that feeling. I think about that every so often.
I’m supposed to have a certain image as a blogger, right? I’m running a company and working to provide a certain atmosphere, and humanity is okay if it is within the niche. I’m terribly afraid that asking for help or even admitting circumstances would kill the blog and a business that isn’t growing. I wonder how many of us have that particular fear? I’m still a nobody on the ‘net. Asking for help feels risky and as if it would threaten the business I’m hoping will someday thrive.
Thank you for the barter option. That is a great idea. I’m headed over now to see if I can help anyone out.
BJ Keltz´s last blog post…Revision Woes
So Im reading your post, I click on the link..and Holy Crap..I89! I use that Interstate everyday! And, yes we have had 4 white-knuckle commutes in one week and its only December. Driving on ice is exhausting. So much so, I took today off. Left the car in the driveway while this lil Nor’easter we’re havin’ works itself out.
So I dropped Michael some $$ hoping hoping that this appeases the Great I89 God(dess) so that I may have safe passage for the rest of the winter. (Especially on that tricky part tween exit 18 and 19). Thank you.
Debbie´s last blog post…Mountain View Animal Inn
Your post inspired me to ask for help on behalf of my little sister today. She’s not in dire straights by any stretch of the imagination, but she needs help raising money for a Team in Training marathon and I just begged my blog readers and Twitter followers to come to her aid.
Running in this marathon means a lot to her, and while I can’t afford to donate much to the cause, I do have a lot of people I can turn to for help.
Thanks for the extra push!
Jessica (from It’s my life…)´s last blog post…My sister is running for a cure and she needs your help
You two have the biggest hearts, I swear.
I could hug you both.
Thanks for doing this, it just might save someone from the edge someday.
Jamie Simmerman´s last blog post…His Favorite Christmas Story
Helping someone get to the next step, no matter what or why needs no great self examination. Sometimes it is a life you are saving. Sometimes it is a friend who needs to get a car. Has nothing to do with the rest of the world. It has to do with what is right in front of you at the time. If you can, you do it.
Strings? Why should there be strings attached? Not to sincere need. No. None.
It’s a hard thing to learn, this asking for help. But there’s a grace that can be had in mutual aid. In fact there’s a very famous “Social Aid and Pleasure Club” in New Orleans. Songs have been written about it. And it is very active still today. We don’t do this thing called life without the help of others.
It’s a community here on the interwebs. What kind is up to us, I think.
And it’s a lovely thing the barter idea on the forum. BTW..hm…might have to take a look….
Janice Cartier´s last blog post…Santa Came Early
This “asking for help” thing – I’ve never been very good at it. To be honest, it’s partly because I don’t like burdening others with my troubles and parly because I don’t fully trust others to come through when needed.
Kimberly Ben´s last blog post…A Freelancer’s Quest for Self-Improvement
@ Kimberly – It’s true that feeling uncomfortable about our perception of burdening others can get in the way of asking for what we need… but sometimes, by holding back, we burden others because they see us struggle and falter and don’t know what to do to help.
Something to think about.
One of the things that this all makes me think of is something I learned a long time ago: never ask another man if he needs help. It’s OK to ask a woman, but never ask a man.
A guy can be turning red trying to lift something into his trunk and will say “No, I have it!” (assuming he can get the words out!) immediately. Don’t ask, just run over and help.
Not true for all men, of course, but true often enough that you shouldn’t take the chance. Don’t ask, just do, whether its that he can’t lift the engine block or can’t pay the rent this month. Don’t ask, just do whatever needs to be done.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Did I mention that she hates Earthlink?
Oh good one, Tony. That’s perfect, and thanks for adding that.
I’m very lucky to work in an environment where it’s positively encouraged to ask for help. In fact, it’s an essential part of the job. For each project, a copywriter (me), a designer, a programmer and a project manager will come together to share expertise and find the right solution. We rely on each other and frequently ask for help, even across our disciplines.
Of course, it’s also very handy when you want some nice illustrations for your new blog. Help! I said. And someone did. Marvellous.