12
Do You Have the Courage to Ask for Help?
If you needed help, would you ask for it? Before you answer, think about that. Think really hard. I’m not so sure the answer is yes.
I thought about how we don’t ask for help when we truly need it when I read about Michael Martine’s car accident. His Jeep and a cliff wall had sat down for tea together, and Michael found himself thankful to be alive… only without wheels.
He could have gone home and stared at the walls, wondering how on earth he’ll find the money for a new car so that he could get to work. He could have shuffled his credit cards to decide which one had enough space to cough up a down payment. He could have asked friends to help.
He did.
Michael posted about his car accident on his blog, and flat out asked for help. I don’t know many people who would have the guts to do the same.
I’ve faced tough times myself, more than I’d like to count. I’ve stood by the mailbox staring at an unexpected bill I just received, wondering how in god’s name would I ever find the money to pay it. I’ve used credit cards to cover the bills, putting myself deeper in debt to pay the debt I had.
I rarely asked for help – and truthfully? I think more of us should be like Michael, honest and brave enough to ask for what we need.
Michael isn’t stupid, either. He’s a rather brilliant man, in fact. He knows there are plenty of other people in the world who need help. I’m sure it was hard for him to sit down and write that post, and I’m positive he knew he might have to answer, “Why you?”
He asked anyways.
He took his courage in his hands (and most likely a very deep breath) and asked for help to raise funds for a down payment so that he could get a car, get to work and support his family. He also tried to find a way that he could give back for the help he received, too, giving his time and expertise in return for donations.
For both those reasons, for having the strength to know when to ask – and in a very public way – and for finding a way to give back to those who gave, I think Michael deserves applause.
I know many, many people who don’t ask for help exactly when they should. They think they have to be tough and take care of themselves. They believe that if they got themselves into this mess, they should get themselves out. They’re worried and stressed.
They’re preventing themselves from overcoming obstacles because they can’t ask for help.
I’d be one of those people, too. I have no trouble asking for help in certain areas, and then there are other times when I’d rather choke on stones before admitting I could use a hand. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to admit I need help. I don’t want to show weakness to others.
(Hey. I have appearances to keep up, y’know?)
The problem is that we’ve become so caught up in maintaining appearances for others, so guilty that we need help when we already have so much, so fearful of what people think of us that we can’t do what we need to do and set ourselves up for more unhappiness.
Tough times are part of life? Suck it up and deal with it? Get out of your own mess? Who are you to ask for help when there are people who need it more?
It doesn’t have to be that way.
I like to think that we don’t have to suck it up. I like to think that I don’t have to guilt-trip myself thinking of huge organizations trying to save the world. I’d love to help save the world, and I do what I can.
But I also like to think that if a friend asks for my help, I’ll be there, and that if I have the courage to ask, my friends that are there for me too.
All we need to do is learn to admit we need the help and start to ask for what we need.
In spirit of this thread and Michael’s willingness to ask for what he needs, we’ve set up a HelpLine Exchange over at our forum. Feel free to come and ask for help – and to give back as well.
Help spread the word!
Welcome to our community. Kick back, put your feet up and join the discussion.
73 Responses - We want to hear yours!
Go ahead. Leave a Comment!
-
-
-
James is reading:
-
Taylor is reading:
-
-
Social Hookups
On an interesting side note in the business of charitable organizations, time and again, studies have proven that people contribute to people.
Those donation letters? They aren’t worth a dime if there isn’t a picture of a battered dog or a starving child or a devastated rain forest. They aren’t going to collect a thing if we don’t read about Sparky or Lidiana or Costa Somewhere.
Check out your mail next time you receive a pledge request – the big-name charities know this strategy and tactic and they use it wisely.
And this is one of the reasons we tend to give to faces, not the faceless.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now (you know it’s a great one when it makes me think this much!) and most of my thought has gone along the same lines as Scott’s comments – it’s not always about asking for money.
In college, I was too danged proud to ask for help from my professors, even when it would have helped me understand the subject matter so much better. I was afraid of looking stupid. Luckily now I’ve gotten over *that* pride, and I’m able to ask for help on ER to help improve my writing.
However, I still think there are a lot of pride and fear issues that come with asking for help, and I think that it’s fantastic that Michael was able to overcome these and ask for the help he needed. Still, there are several issues that probably need to be overcome that keep me, and probably many other people, from asking for help even when they badly need it.
Even when people offer their help, there’s always the fear that Emma mentioned – that they’ll rescind the offer, or that they didn’t *really* mean it. It’s that, more than anything else, which has kept me from taking people up on their offers to help… even when I badly needed the help.
Allison Day´s last blog post…A Hug Rolled up with Salmon and Seaweed
This is a great discussion.
I think that whenever we decide to donate money to help someone, it should come with no strings attached.
No judgements on the persons’ lifestyle. No lectures about what they should have done to save money. No checking to see if they use the money you gave them to buy a pack of smokes. And no sense of entitlement, that this person now “owes you a favor”.
If it’s a true gift, you give the money unconditionally, and wish them the best.
Otherwise, it might as well be a loan. (and that’s a whole other story altogether.)
Friar´s last blog post…Vintage Friar Toons #4
@Friar: The trouble is, some people do give back.
I help out my neighbors with ‘puter problems. Free, no charge. I define “neighbor” as any of the 800 to 900 people living in our little community
Anyway, today we got $50.00 worth of chocolate (Lake Champlain Chocolate – very nice!) from “a grateful neighbor” and a $50 gift certificate to a restaurant we really like. The last was from a guy who probably donates 20 hours a week to charitable causes and is out of work himself – I certainly didn’t want anything from him!
So even though we don’t expect it – don’t even WANT it – sometimes we get paid back anyway.
And Harry wonders why I’m grumpy!
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Apple in the Enterprise by Anthony Lawrence
So I was in the library today because I wanted to see what my site looked like on an old PC (fantastic suggestion James. I see exactly what you mean) and the library wouldn’t let me drop a comment! Grrr! I’ve never been banned from comments before. A lot’s happened since then. I have nothing to add other than this is an awesome discussion and I hope it gets a lot of attention.
Writer Dad´s last blog post…Sliding Doors
Beautiful post guys!
This reminds me of the saying “A chain is as strong as its weakest link.” As part of the online community, I don’t want to see any one of us fall apart. If we can help each other, then we will be strong enough to help the world at large.
I am glad to do my part when I can. Sometimes, I can afford to give. Always, I can afford to tweet, and to blog.
Whether you decide to give is a personal choice. Whether you decide to care about another human who is hurting, is even more personal.
Kimberlee
Kimberlee´s last blog post…The Writer’s Limits
Darn you Chartrand, is this payback for the Lion video? I sit here in tears because you are right. If asked for help, I give it readily. I don’t think twice and I never think less of the person for needing help. In fact when I can help I consider it a wonderful blessing to be able to share it with someone else. Yet, I have toughed out horrible situations and never opened my mouth. I didn’t want to be a bother, didn’t think I was worthy, blah, blah, blah but now I read this and feel like a jerk. I love the idea of the help exchange. We all have tough times and even not so tough times. We don’t have to do it alone, so let’s stop that right now.
Karen Swim´s last blog post…The Gift of Words
Think for a moment how good it felt to help someone in need or to receive a grateful smile for a favor you did. Helping others feels really good.
We don’t get to feel that good if no one ever asks for help. During a very painful and unexpected abandonment by my first husband, an elderly man at my church made this point to me. People felt good about helping me that year. To not let them help was to rob them of that feeling. I think about that every so often.
I’m supposed to have a certain image as a blogger, right? I’m running a company and working to provide a certain atmosphere, and humanity is okay if it is within the niche. I’m terribly afraid that asking for help or even admitting circumstances would kill the blog and a business that isn’t growing. I wonder how many of us have that particular fear? I’m still a nobody on the ‘net. Asking for help feels risky and as if it would threaten the business I’m hoping will someday thrive.
Thank you for the barter option. That is a great idea. I’m headed over now to see if I can help anyone out.
BJ Keltz´s last blog post…Revision Woes
So Im reading your post, I click on the link..and Holy Crap..I89! I use that Interstate everyday! And, yes we have had 4 white-knuckle commutes in one week and its only December. Driving on ice is exhausting. So much so, I took today off. Left the car in the driveway while this lil Nor’easter we’re havin’ works itself out.
So I dropped Michael some $$ hoping hoping that this appeases the Great I89 God(dess) so that I may have safe passage for the rest of the winter. (Especially on that tricky part tween exit 18 and 19). Thank you.
Debbie´s last blog post…Mountain View Animal Inn
Your post inspired me to ask for help on behalf of my little sister today. She’s not in dire straights by any stretch of the imagination, but she needs help raising money for a Team in Training marathon and I just begged my blog readers and Twitter followers to come to her aid.
Running in this marathon means a lot to her, and while I can’t afford to donate much to the cause, I do have a lot of people I can turn to for help.
Thanks for the extra push!
Jessica (from It’s my life…)´s last blog post…My sister is running for a cure and she needs your help
You two have the biggest hearts, I swear.
I could hug you both.
Thanks for doing this, it just might save someone from the edge someday.
Jamie Simmerman´s last blog post…His Favorite Christmas Story
Helping someone get to the next step, no matter what or why needs no great self examination. Sometimes it is a life you are saving. Sometimes it is a friend who needs to get a car. Has nothing to do with the rest of the world. It has to do with what is right in front of you at the time. If you can, you do it.
Strings? Why should there be strings attached? Not to sincere need. No. None.
It’s a hard thing to learn, this asking for help. But there’s a grace that can be had in mutual aid. In fact there’s a very famous “Social Aid and Pleasure Club” in New Orleans. Songs have been written about it. And it is very active still today. We don’t do this thing called life without the help of others.
It’s a community here on the interwebs. What kind is up to us, I think.
And it’s a lovely thing the barter idea on the forum. BTW..hm…might have to take a look….
Janice Cartier´s last blog post…Santa Came Early
This “asking for help” thing – I’ve never been very good at it. To be honest, it’s partly because I don’t like burdening others with my troubles and parly because I don’t fully trust others to come through when needed.
Kimberly Ben´s last blog post…A Freelancer’s Quest for Self-Improvement
@ Kimberly – It’s true that feeling uncomfortable about our perception of burdening others can get in the way of asking for what we need… but sometimes, by holding back, we burden others because they see us struggle and falter and don’t know what to do to help.
Something to think about.
One of the things that this all makes me think of is something I learned a long time ago: never ask another man if he needs help. It’s OK to ask a woman, but never ask a man.
A guy can be turning red trying to lift something into his trunk and will say “No, I have it!” (assuming he can get the words out!) immediately. Don’t ask, just run over and help.
Not true for all men, of course, but true often enough that you shouldn’t take the chance. Don’t ask, just do, whether its that he can’t lift the engine block or can’t pay the rent this month. Don’t ask, just do whatever needs to be done.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog post…Did I mention that she hates Earthlink?
Oh good one, Tony. That’s perfect, and thanks for adding that.
I’m very lucky to work in an environment where it’s positively encouraged to ask for help. In fact, it’s an essential part of the job. For each project, a copywriter (me), a designer, a programmer and a project manager will come together to share expertise and find the right solution. We rely on each other and frequently ask for help, even across our disciplines.
Of course, it’s also very handy when you want some nice illustrations for your new blog. Help! I said. And someone did. Marvellous.