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Handling Your Perfectionism
“You don’t do anything by halves, do you?”
James said that to me the first time that I single-handedly negotiated a project contract on my own. Usually, James is on the front lines, dealing with customers and hammering out the project guidelines. This time, I did it. And it was a big one.
A single comment often sets off a chain reaction of thoughts in my mind. They tend to lead to small life-changing moments. James was right; I rarely do anything by halves. For me, my attitude has always been all or nothing.
Recently I’ve been following Dave Navarro’s Early Riser program. I ran into the same obstacle of all or nothing. I was determined to succeed, bit off more than I could chew, and ended up feeling like a failure.
Some believe perfectionism is a good thing. It does have its merits, but it often works against a person. I never realized how detrimental my behavior is to my way of life. Being a perfectionist has affected the way I eat, the way I work, my relationships, and almost every aspect of my days.
Being a perfectionist can screw you up big time.
When You Don’t Succeed the First Time
One of the biggest problems perfectionists have is setting realistic goals. I never realized I set the bar too high for myself. Halfway through whatever I was working on achieving, when nothing went according to my vision, I would give up in frustration.
Most perfectionists do achieve more than those who aren’t. No matter what perfectionists achieve, though, they often view their accomplishments as failures – unless they achieve exactly what they wanted (and more) in the way they’d planned.
To an outsider, the end result of a perfectionist’s efforts usually exceeds expectation. To a perfectionist, it’s never good enough, because the person spots flaws. The perfectionist wastes more time building that perfect project when time could be better spent elsewhere.
You Don’t Always Have To Finish What You Start
Do you have a habit of starting projects and never finishing them? The next time you find yourself avoiding a project, ask yourself why you’re not finishing it. Have you decided that, rather than risk failure or look like you can’t handle the job, you’re ignoring the work?
If you’re not ready to take on a project, then put it down. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with saying that you’re not ready, skilled enough or able to handle the project. Admitting that is no reflection on you, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure or that the work you produce is substandard. It means that, at this particular moment in time, the project isn’t right for you.
Procrastination
Procrastination is nothing but avoiding what makes us uncomfortable. We’re uneasy or afraid of what we have to do or just don’t want to do it, so we keep pushing the task off.
Once you identify what the real issue is and why you’re setting the work aside, you’ll find the issue isn’t as big as you realized. You’ll face the facts and get yourself through the project. Even better, break the project down, take it apart, and work on small tasks for a few minutes each day. Before you know it, you’ll be done.
Mistakes Are Your Friend
Many perfectionists are afraid of making mistakes or looking foolish. Okay, nobody likes to look stupid, but mistakes help you learn. Knowing what doesn’t work helps you understand what does work the next time you have a similar task. Admit that you don’t know everything, embrace that fact, and get down to the job of learning.
Let It Go
Many perfectionists have problems delegating tasks or responsibilities to others. They feel no one can do it better than they can. Perfectionists don’t trust anyone and end up burdening themselves with more work than necessary.
My mother is much like this. (Sorry, Mom). If my brother or I couldn’t do something to her standards, she’d roll her eyes, snatch away what we were working on, and say, “If nobody else can do this, I’m better off doing it myself.”
Hear that enough times, and you start to believe it, too.
Learn to admit that you can’t do it all (and you really can’t). Delegate and let others have a little bit of your trust. They’re just as capable as you are.
How Do I Fix This?
So, how do you turn the problem of perfectionism around? Here are a few ways that help me:
Do as much as you can, but know when to move on to something else. Your “good enough” is already better than most.
Learn from the past. Figure out how to improve the next time around if you didn’t get it right the first time.
Set reasonable and realistic goals. This might mean setting many smaller goals that lead to a bigger one.
Don’t live in the past and fuel your inspiration with your glory days. The last success was great, sure. Go ahead and bask. But you have to move on to whatever is waiting around the corner.
Enjoy the ride. The fun is in the journey, not the destination.
Perfection is an illusion, and it doesn’t exist. Everything has flaws, even great works of art – you just can’t see them. Only the artists himself does.
Do the flaws matter? Not much if no one else notices them. So go ahead and strive for perfection, but don’t beat yourself up while you try to find the Holy Grail.
Photo: © Lucasfilm Ltd. All Rights Reserved
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This reminds me of that old saying: don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Thanks for a great article, Harry. As soon as I read “sees accomplishments as failures” I had that “deer in the headlights” feeling. All you have to do to spot a perfectionist is give them a compliment… they will start offering up all the flaws they see.
Michael Martine, Blog Consultant’s last blog post..If You Can’t Blog It, Don’t Do It
Harry, this *is* a great article. It parallels different things I’ve learned in life as well, and that I struggle to apply each day – but I keep on trying, and that is the point.
There’s an old military saying, “order, counter-order, disorder” – start an action and keep at it, don’t second guess yourself.
I had an engineering professor, and he had a term he called “optimum sloppiness” – good enough. Sometimes, good enough is not only better than required, sometimes it is actually great, if you are a perfectionist.
When my wife and I were getting married – literally, right when we were in the middle of it, she kept fretting about this detail and that detail. I kept saying to her, “the only person who has noticed that this little detail didn’t go as planned, is you – everyone else is too drunk and having a good time to care!”
My own point of view – sometimes, I need someone else to tell me that I’ve done a great job. To put it into perspective. And then I smile…
Yes, mistakes are your friend – and I have lots of friends!
The best thing about life is that, as long as you are still alive after you fall
, you get to stand back up and try again.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..rapid prototyping life 2.0
Hey Harry. Some good thoughts and insights. When relating to this subject, I go by two rules:
1. Failures are ok and good to learn from; however, what should be remembered was the successful attempt and not failure itself.
2. Perfection often times can hinder efficiency.
That’s my Zen for the day
John Hoff’s last blog post..The Art of Persuasion (Part 1 of 3)
@Michael: It’s true, I used to do that a lot too. This post was another one of those where I discovered a lot about myself and the reasons for the way I work. Now that I’ve had these particular flaws pointed out to me, I can work on changing them.
@Brett: Your wife sounds like my mother, she sweats over all the details no one but her will see.
@John: It’s all about a change in perspective, innit?
@ Harry – strangely enough, my wife is much like *her* mother and *my* mother in that way. She’s a great gal but she worries too much, this is why I often pour her a glass of red wine at the end of the day… it helps take away the worry…
@ John – that’s just it, perfection – being unattainable anyway by mere mortals – hinders efficiency and effectiveness. You quickly approach diminishing returns. If you can get to 80 percent with 20 percent of your time (here’s to Tim Ferriss!), move on to the next 80 percent gain with your next 20 etc.
You can always come back to polish the 80 to 90 or 95…
Brett Legree’s last blog post..rapid prototyping life 2.0
Very timely post!
I’ve had to deal with some compliments about my writing lately. They always make me feel awkward, although they can be a source of encouragement too.
It can be very hard for me to receive compliments, because I never really believe that I’ve done “my best’” (whatever that is).
Nice topic!
Laura’s last blog post..Have Your Say!
@ Harry – I hear ya. I have had to train myself to simply say “thank you” when given compliments.
Well, I have to say, I think everything I do is perfect, so…
Nah, kidding. But I don’t suffer from this awkwardness. I tend to be the opposite, thinking I can do everything. Perfectly. Oh wait, maybe I do suffer after all.
Harry’s a bigger perfectionist than I am. Some days, he’s sweating away like a bastard. He shows me what he’s done, and I nod. “Nice.”
Well, that’s not enough. Harry goes back and sweats some more. By the time I realize he’s working himself into the ground trying to get me to lift off in awe of his splendor, he’s near to the breaking point.
“Bro… Why are you doing that? It was perfect three versions back. You’re killing yourself.”
“Yeah, but… I guess so… I… I guess I wanted to meet your standards.” And he hadn’t noticed that he met my standards long ago.
Life’s funny that way.
On a side note tangent, perfectionists tend to want that WOW response when they show something. When they get that, “Nice job,” they feel deflated. They missed their shot.
Little do they realize that maybe the person who said “nice job” is the type of guy who NEVER gives out compliments and that’s his version of spectacular.
*blushes* Yeah, that sounds about right.
I am getting better though…
I can’t speak for everybody. Personally, I don’t want a “wow” response, so much as something specific. (I’d hardly believe a “wow” response, anyway.)
“Nice job” doesn’t mean much since so many people say it without even thinking about it. Praise is cheap in our culture (or maybe I’m just around a nice bunch of folks).
“I like the way you handled the headline, first paragraph, etc…” means so much more to me (and is information that I can actually use). Likewise, if something specific needs changed, I need to know that too. In school, I actually saved all my English papers with red marks on them so that I could be sure of not making the same mistake again.
However, a “nice job” response is much better than no response at all. It tells me that the person is probably not displeased.
On the flip side, I’ve also been personally guilty of giving praise without thinking about it or being specific. It’s almost become customary in our culture. (Something for me to work on here…)
Laura’s last blog post..My Favorite Writing Quotes
@ Laura – LOL, make up your mind, woman!
You’re right, though. We hand out cheap praise unthinkingly and don’t give proper praise when it’s due. I think this is one reason I tend not to hand out praise easily – if you get a “nice job” from me, you can bet your ass you’ve done a fantastic job.
But along with that “nice job”, I always try to say *why* I feel it was a nice job. Good feedback and specifics help any provider do a better job and know where they went right.
@Laura and James – I think you two hit it. Many times “nice job,” is about as real as when someone asks how you are doing and you say “fine,” but you’re really not. When they take the time to mention something they liked, THEN you know they really paid attention and mean what they said.
@Harry – so being that you’re a perfectionist, do you find it hard to use the 10 minute method? To an extent I’m a perfectionist too and I find it hard stopping something I’ve started, even if I know I’ll be coming back to it. I don’t even want to sleep until it’s done.
Have this problem?
John Hoff’s last blog post..The Art of Persuasion (Part 2 of 3): Knowledge, Timing, Listening
@John: No, the 10 minute method just gives me a jump start when I’m facing a difficult job or feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do. In the past month or so I’ve learned when enough is enough and recognize when I’m doing more than I should.
I also put a cap on the amount of time I work on any given project. On my schedule I’ll block out a 4 hour time frame for graphics, start with 10 minutes and see how far I get withing that time frame. Once I’m nearing the preset limit, I take a look at where I am and then decide whether I’m close to finish or if I should put it down.
I used to be like you and it wasn’t unusual for me to be here 12 hours straight or more, working on a project almost obsessively until it was done. I don’t do that anymore. When you work that way, two things happen: One, you end up doing more than what the client asked for and you don’t always get compensated for that time; two, the clients rarely appreciates the extra effort, in fact, they hardly notice; and three, you just wear yourself out.
My advice would be learn to put it down, it’ll still be there tomorrow. Write out what you have to do to it next, empty your head, and go to bed.
@ John & Harry – that’s pretty much how I do it, in a nutshell.
If I can’t get started, the 10 minute method gets me started. Then, when I feel I’m starting to go round in circles, or editing too much, I put it down. Start something completely different. Then get up very early the next day.
A fresh look at it, a final edit, and away we go!
(I have two blog posts awaiting the final treatment, right now…)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..rapid prototyping life 2.0
I’m not a Virgo, but I do have a Virgo moon. When I get in a perfectionist mood, it’s downright anal. But here’s the thing. People love flaws. I’m not talking about mechanical or technical flaws. I mean those flaws that make something real and raw. A character who’s got a drug problem. A story that takes place in a run-down shack.
I realize that I’m going off on a bit of a tangent and this isn’t exactly what you’re talking about Harry, but there’s something to be said for all that is not so perfect.
Melissa Donovan’s last blog post..The Treatment Exercise
@Brett – that’s how I’m writing my current series of posts and it seems to be working very well.
Oh if only there were 48 hours in a day!
John Hoff’s last blog post..The Art of Persuasion (Part 2 of 3): Knowledge, Timing, Listening
@ Melissa – You’ll enjoy our upcoming post on flaws and fiction
You’re right, though. Imperfection is endearing, because we can see ourselves in the other person’s flaws.
@ John – 49 would be better for me. Or 52… As for the 10-minute method, I agree with Harry. It might get a person started, but a perfectionist can’t finish. There’s always one more thing to “fix”.
@ James – not only can we see ourselves in the other person’s flaws, we can see the other person – the flawed, human person – succeeding in spite of, or sometimes because of, those imperfections.
And that is inspiring. None of us is perfect, but in spite of, or because of, our imperfections, we can achieve great things, with perseverance.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..rapid prototyping life 2.0
There is so much truth in this. I remember reading there are types of perfectionists.. the one who does EVERYthing and all has to be perfect, and the one who avoids most thins for fear of not doing it perfectly. I have certainly been one in the past to put things off because I was afraid I could not do it perfectly. There is something to be learned by many in this post. Thank you.
@ Veronica – You’re welcome
I’ll have to look up the types of perfectionists now.
I definitely am a perfectionist, although I think (hope!) I am getting a little more in touch with reality in certain ways. For example, I recently was part of a project, and when I saw the final result I was definitely upset because I didn’t think I did it well enough. But then I showed it to my boyfriend and my family, and they all thought it looked fantastic! It helped show me that I am, as always, my worst critic.
@ Michael – I am the same way about learning to just say “thank you” instead of trying to tell people all the reasons why it wasn’t perfect! It was only a few years ago that I realized that 1: it’s insulting to other people when you tell them that their judgement of whatever it is they are complementing you on is crap, and 2: they would have never noticed your mistakes had you not told them! So now it’s a lot easier for me to smile and thank them, even while thinking “what are you talking about?!?! That was horrible!”
@ James – I love the comment about giving feedback as to why you think it was a good job. On a somewhat different but kind of the same note, I think I’m probably way to quick to give “constructive criticism.” I just love when people tell me what I’m doing wrong so I can take measures to correct it (the perfectionist in me? Probably.) but I don’t always realize that other people aren’t the same way. Oops…
Allison’s last blog post..Taste and Create 5
@ Allison – I hear you on that. I’m very analytical and quick to provide constructive criticism and areas that could possibly be improved…
…and then Harry’s looking crestfallen, because, “All I wanted to hear was, ‘Good job, bro!’
Blink blink. “Oh… Well, that’s what I meant to say, yes! That’s it exactly. Good job!”
Somehow it doesn’t have the same effect.
Man, I’m right there with you folks; I’m the ‘it’ll look good when it’s done’ guy, but it never gets done.
I cannot finish anything! I’m a perfectionist and it’s ruined my life.
I’ve had my pick of women most of my life (I’m 52 now) and still single. I could never get myself to propose because, since it was easy for me to find another chick, I was always wondering if a more perfect relationship was out there.
My house and lawn is a work in progress, a lonnngggg progress, like 20 years of progress, such a long progress that my last unfinished work runs in to my latest idea of what will look good. My kitchen has been half done for over 10 years, living room 3 years, guest room and weight room, I forgot how long I’ve had them tore up and forget about the master bathroom, I don’t even let people look in there. In my front yard I built a beautiful planter out of limestone in which I had to hand chisel each piece into place… it’s done and hadn’t planted a thing in it since I finished it 2 years ago. And there more; much more.
This isn’t funny. It’s like an invisible force that doesn’t let me go further; I hate, dread, can’t, don’t know how, to finish anything (at least it feels that way). I’ve pretty much resigned myself to living out the rest of my life as one big incomplete job.
You should see the incomplete work (any work) I DO get done, you can tell it was on its way to becoming something to be proud of!
Here’s a little insight. I think, not sure, but think, it is when I reach a point in a project that seems beyond my skill or a decision I cant come to, like what color or material or whatever and then I let it slowly dwindle until I’m no longer motivated anymore; I don’t know. I do know this, if you are someone who is TRULY afflicted with this twisted, screwed up, brain chemistry then you do, beyond a doubt, have a problem that can screw up your entire life. I hate this; I feel like I can’t move forward. It’s like I’m frozen in a confusing mess of incompletion and don’t know where to start to fix it. I’ve thought of hiring people to just do it all for me but I KNOW, I reallllyyy KNOW, that I will be completely unsatisfied .
I’ve tried to apply that saying “it doesn’t have to be done perfect, it just has to be done†and I cheerfully stick that in my head as I try to tackle the job but then the job becomes a distasteful process and I begin to hate myself for doing a half-a** job.
So I sit here alone, in a house under perpetual construction, just like everything else in my life and I’m running out of time.
Joe
@ Joe – I thought a long time before responding to this. I think the answer lies here: If you know time is running out, how do you want to spend the time you have? You can agonize, feel frustrated and live with limits, or you can find a professional to help you break free of this so that you can live the time you have a free man.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us, and I truly hope that you take steps to have a freer mind.
Interesting how many others are out there fighting the same dragon I do, perfectionism. Growing up as an only child, you really have no ’sounding board’ to get the point of…good enough. It’s you, front and center. You push yourself more to be perfect, at everything.
Usually I can tell when it’s in play, I find myself rewriting the same 500 word article 15 times in a week. It’s a very hard habit to break and I don’t think it has anything to do with self-confidence, or lack thereof.
It’s more you are constantly competing with yourself. Your last effort is not ‘your best’, at least in your own mind. You push to do better, other people and their opinion have nothing to do with it. Outside confirmation is falling on deaf ears, because deep down, you are measuring yourself against yourself.
Georjinas last blog post..Recurring Billing & Multimedia Marketing Mix
@Georjina: That must go for firstborns too, although you have sounding boards aplenty I guess you still feel a need to set a perfect example for the siblings who come along after you.
You are right though, we are measuring ourselves against ourselves, but we have to remember to cut ourselves some slack too and not be so strict with that ruler.