I once sat in the parking lot of a convenience store and watched a homeless man rifle through his plastic bag. It was a cold day – bitterly cold – and the sharp wind carried a sting. The man was bundled in a raggedy coat, and his hands were chapped and red.
The man had a dog with him, a nice-looking black and white dog. It was clean, well kept, well fed and looked devoted to the man. The man looked devoted to the dog, too, reaching out to pet its head, talking a little bit to it, fussing over it to make sure the dog was well tied.
That dog struck me. Here was a homeless man, obviously lacking and badly wanting – yet his dog wasn’t suffering at all.
What did the homeless man give up to make sure his dog stayed well fed and healthy?
I went inside the store, feeling guilty over the pack of smokes and chocolate bar I was planning to buy. I had an extra twenty in my pocket, and I rubbed it with my fingers. The money almost felt dirty.
I wanted to give the homeless man that twenty. I had the crazy idea that I could just walk up to him and say, “Can I offer you this?” Maybe I should buy him coffee instead, or something… I don’t know, useful. Or maybe I should just give him the money and let him decide what he should buy with it.
Then my imagination woke up. I could picture myself holding out the twenty, only to have the man yell at me. “Keep your money,” he’d growl. Of course he’d growl. Why wouldn’t he? I bet the man was bitter and resentful of the people who had warm homes and food whenever they wanted it. If I was homeless, I’d probably be bitter and angry, too.
But that dog… That man gave up food for his dog. He probably let the dog get the best pickings, or he split his findings of thrown-out garbage evenly down the middle to share. That dog was his friend, his constant companion. That dog was all the man had.
As I paid for my luxuries, the homeless man came into the store. The glance he gave the girl behind the counter was full of fear – he knew he wasn’t welcome. He fully expected to be yelled at or thrown out.
But he hunched his shoulders to hide from the stares, and he started picking through the garbage cans.
God, I felt guilty.
I bought my smokes and chocolate and left the store, the twenty in my hand burning my fingers. I wanted to give that man the money so badly, and I was so scared of his reaction that I couldn’t do it. I stood by my car for over ten minutes, both hopeful and terrified that the perfect opportunity to offer the money would arise.
The dog watched me the whole time I stood there struggling with my conscience. Calm, curious… The dog watched me until I got into my car and drove away, my heart getting heavier as the distance between us increased, my head whispering at me that I’d made a mistake.
That was this fall. Now, the deadly bite of winter is the air. The temperatures are well below freezing. The snow is thigh deep as far as the eye can see.
I think of the homeless man and his dog often. Are they safe? Do they have food? Where do they sleep at night? Do the man’s fingers hurt from the cold? Mine do each time I step outside to stand on the porch. It’s bitterly cold without proper clothing. I can feel the crystals of frost form in my throat with each breath I take.
So this holiday season, forgive me for sending my best wishes to one man and his dog.
May your Christmas be merry, my friend.
And may you have warmth, food and companionship for the days and nights to come.
And may 2008 be the year that finds him with a roof over his head and enough food for him and his dog.
Thanks for sharing this story.
Thank you so much for participating in the Inaugural Edition of The Seventh Day, my new weekly blog carnival!
Remember that submissions are accepted through Saturdays at noon (Pacific time) and the Carnival is posted every Sunday at On the Horizon!
Drop by and check out all the wonderful posts included in the very first edition! Hope you’ll participate again.
Blessings to you!
@ Hopeful Spirit – I’m glad you found a post on my site that touched you enough to include in your Carnival.
@ SBM – Aye. I wish that for him, too.
Thanks for reading, everyone.
That’s the Gospel at the Convenience Store, isn’t it? That a man would give up his food for his friend is powerful, amazing. I don’t know if I could do it. Perhaps you’ll see him again.
God bless you in the New Year!
I had to read your story. It reminded me of 2002 when I became displaced in Palatka FL. It was a very difficult transition from 97K a year to collecting and recycling cans. I was reminded of picking through the trash cans at Memorial Park, or after cashing in the cans buying a chicken leg quarter to split between my dog, Shoyu, and I.
It’s been 5 years and while I’ve been off the streets in Jacksonville for almost 2 years (Feb 14) I still remember riding the Greyhound Bus. I thought the Jacksonville cityscape was the most glorious view. I knew back here I could rebuild my life again. Even two years late I am still rebuilding my confidence and self esteem.
Next time, perhaps just leave it on a counter after catching his eye to let him know it’s alright and for him. While I did meet a vast minority who were unstable and I’ve begun working with the homeless again it doesn’t hurt to be somewhat cautious. Anyway, if he sees the money and doesn’t want it, he can always pass it by.
I know what you mean, it’s still a bit difficult for the wonderful men and women of Trinity Baptist they don’t always know how to reach out. So I came up with my website idea, so they can introduce themselves and I can share bits and pieces of my life as I heal. http://www.MySpace.com/etakeyama
It always amazes me how many similar stories to this you will see around Christmas time. The end of the year just always seems to bring out the guilt in the average ordinary jackass, so perhaps this is just how people make themselves feel better. The cold hard fact is that regardless of how you claim to have felt, you did nothing what so ever to help someone in need. Did you even bother to even drop some change as you walked by on your way out, or were you too busy trying to decide what the right thing to do was?
I’m not saying you should open your wallet to every vagrant you see, frankly, I tend to avoid giving people cash. In my experience, all you do then is give them a chance to get drunk, which doesn’t do any good for them or us. After being in the store and watching him “picking through the garbage cans” you still couldn’t be bothered. It would have taken about five minutes, and about five bucks to by him a cup of hot coffee and a can or two of soup, which you didn’t.
Then to come on and make a nice little christmas tale out of your being a total piece of crap, that’s just a little sickening. I really hope you feel better about yourself now that the guilt is gone. I’m sure the man in question will be so happy to know that even though you couldn’t be bothered to do anything to help, at least you thought about being a decent human being for a second. Oh wait, no he wont, it’s not likely he has a computer. Maybe next you can go to a shelter and think about donating some cloths or food before you drive off.
@Eric: I’m glad to see you’re back on your feet after 5 years. One thing that has stuck in the back of my mind is how close all of us are to being out on the streets. Many of us are just one paycheck away from such a situation. It doesn’t take much; an untimely lay off, an unexpected medical expense, a death in the family…anything. Just look at what happened to the people down south with Katrina, or more recently, the fires in California. Although you’re still recovering, you’re here, you’re back in the game and far stronger than you were before. Good luck with everything and thanks for sharing.
@Give A Little: I can’t blame James for doing what he did (or didn’t do). The fact of the matter is there are a lot of crazies out there and having second thoughts about helping someone when you have a family of your own to think about protecting isn’t a crime as far as I’m concerned. Frankly, thoughts of help (whether they be monetary or otherwise) being refused never crossed my mind. Maybe that’s because I only have myself to look out for.
I do agree that this time of year brings out a case of the “guilts” in a lot of people and really wish they would carry the spirit of the season all year ’round.
Instead of berating James (who you don’t even know), why don’t you tell us what you’ve done to help, if anything?
Thanks for the warm thoughts Harry. Encouragement can be a good thing. Some mornings in FL the temp is 35 or so and I personally know many of the street folks. While I am concerned about so many of them, they have a freedom to come and go as they wish to where ever and I gave up that freedom to have a home again and the independence of a vehicle. Yes, so many of us are just a few weeks away from street life.
On the bright side, recycling was my first successful business that’s always a good thing. Naturally my life style wasn’t glamorous but I do still have a certain casual elegance and rustic charm I didn’t have before.
On Christmas I was at the Mission service and the street guys gave me a standing ovation in their own way. They are proud of me. They all helped get my tools to work everyday safely as well as when I was carrying cash to make my weekly deposit at the bank. They are unsung heroes who have little but are rich in faith.
So this is basically a story about you NOT helping someone. And then you write a sweet story about it and get loads of stumblers driving up your traffic. So you end up helping yourself.
I know you want to make this story about something bigger than it is, but it really just comes off as pathetic.
I hope the next customer gave that guy and his dog a twenty, skipped the bad writing and went on with his day.
@ Eric – Thank you very much for the tips. I’ll use them in the future. I also appreciate you sharing your story with us here, and I hope to hear more about how you’re doing in the future. I know someone who came in off the streets, and he’s mentioned that the transition from homeless to homed has been one of the most difficult. He now has a family and a house of his own – thought he does say his kids have caught him unconsciously glancing in garbage cans “just in case”. I think it’s just as hard to adjust to being off the streets as it is to suddenly find yourself on them. Please keep me posted on your progress.
@ Give a little – Actually, my post wasn’t in any way written to assuage my own feelings of guilt or wrongdoing. I posted it to perhaps increase a little bit of awareness in people based on my experience. People need, and they need year round, not just at Christmas.
Should I have done something? Yes. I chose not to, because of fear – and Harry is right. Had my three-year-old toddler in the car see an aggressive situation come from me trying to help, I would not have felt very big in my shorts. Would things have turned out well and the man accepted my money? I can’t say. There is a woman in town who walks around with a baby stroller to carry her belongings, and she also carries a very hefty metal rod. She’s often seen beating on cars, streetlamps and poles. I had no idea if this man was in any way able to accept my help without becoming violent. With a child nearby, that’s a risk I wasn’t comfortable taking.
I do know that I’m grateful to have lived through that moment and that my conscience knows the difference between right and wrong. How many people pass by the homeless each day and don’t even think twice? I did, and I’m proud of that. Not proud that I didn’t act on my thoughts, but proud that I recognized that I should have. Many people can’t claim the same.
You might also be interested to know that I do donate clothing, food and money to local community help centers on a regular basis, and I’ve done so for many years. I’ve also organized group efforts to bank up food and necessities for the local battered women’s shelter. My children regularly give away their toys as well – of their own free will, because I raise them to know that others have less and that we too could one day be wanting.
While that man may never see this post, someone else might – and might act where I didn’t. That is my hope and wish. And I do believe I did something to help someone in need: I told others, so that they might have an easier time doing what I struggled with. I don’t feel better for posting – that wasn’t the purpose – and the memory of the moment will live a long time with me. Next chance, I’ll make a different choice.
On a side tangent, I would have given him cash. It isn’t for me to decide what a person needs. If a person decides to spend the money on a warm place and some good food, great. A better coat? Fantastic. A 12-pack and some smokes? I have no issues with that. If I were homeless, I might like to have a way to forget for a little while and enjoy a pure luxury. People should have the right to decide for themselves what they want to spend money on.
@ Harry – You’re right. Recognizing that we’re all one step away from bad luck is important. It’s *that* easy to lose it all. And I’ve been close to that point. About 15 years ago, I worked in a restaurant. I would sneak out the leftover food at the end of the night (usually soup) to help feed my family because we had nothing else. My boss looked the other way and never said a word. My small paycheck went directly to pay the rent for a dilapidated shack and its heating. I have never forgotten that period of my life and each day, it’s in the back of my mind.
@ Ryan – Not all stories have happy endings, and not all people caught in the moment do the right thing.
And to be honest, I didn’t expect much traffic, any stumbles or any sort of personal gain from this. That thought never crossed my mind until you brought it up. If the traffic I receive because of the post makes a difference in someone else’s life, though, then I’m glad.
@James, Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. In many ways this has been more challenging and very revealing of some people attitudes of “needing” to feel superior. Repression is the worst form of tyranny. A hallmark or thermometer of a civilization is compassion. Sometimes I do miss my old career in computers, mater of fact I just converted off windows and back into Linux. I’ve been having a great time.
On the romance side, while I was at the mission there were several ladies who expressed interest but I didn’t feel hooking up with someone to “get out” of a situation was appropriate. There was a last one though, a soloist in the Church, and that is quite a span to reach across. I decided I needed to stand on my own for a time, came back when I had a vehicle, and now that a year has passed since I left the mission, today at church I could almost swear when she sang and perhaps glanced in my direction, she had me in mind with such a beautiful song. Perhaps a happy new beginning.
The best way to keep up with my progress would most likely be my web site. Many of the street folks migrate, so this way they can continue learning about the Lord and keep in touch if they want to. Besides they may leave one of my tracts with my web address on it and the hands that find it experiences new birth. Thanks for your support, James, I appreciate it.
http://www.MySpace.com/etakeyama
Eric,
I have to smile after reading your post about the homeless in 35 degree Fl weather. Maybe a bit uncomfortable for sleeping at night, but our homeless in Calgary, Alberta certainly have it a lot tougher during the winter – sometimes 30 or 40 below and every year there are some that freeze because the option of coming out of the cold is worse than taking their chances outside.
As you were standing there buying your smokes and candy and thinking about the homeless man, you never once thought about just buying another item to give to the man looking for food in a garbage can?
Even buying a bag of chips for less than a dollar and putting it on the curb as you get in your car would have been better than thinking about giving him a $20 bill as you drive away.
So you see a man in need and refuse to help. Then you use the story of you not helping the man in need to make more money from your website. That’s just sick.
I agree it is hard to know how best to help someone like this homeless man and his dog. I suppose it’s best to say a little prayer and do whatever comes to mind, trusting God will do what’s best.
This was a thought-provoking post. Thanks.
@Greg: Cold is cold no matter where you are. I grew up in NY and the temps dip pretty low there. When I first came to the desert six years ago, I’d still be walking around without a jacket in the middle of February. As it is, I only turned my heat on for the first time two days ago. Now James laughs at me when I tell him “It’s 40 degrees out here! I’m freezing!” I would imagine sleeping with nothing but a slice of cardboard between you and a concrete sidewalk gets pretty frosty.
@Tami: It is a difficult choice to make for some. Me, I don’t think twice. If I have cash in my pocket (which is rare, plastic is so much easier these days) I’ll give whatever I have, whether it’s a handful of singles or a $20 bill. My thought is, for me, there’s always more where that came from. Most of the time I’m stopped at a light on the bike. I’ve watched others roll up their windows and lock their doors, but on a motorcycle, you can’t avoid interaction. Not that I avoid it anyway. If I don’t have anything to give, I just tell them so. That doesn’t mean the thought doesn’t linger for the rest of the ride home. Sometimes a prayer is all I have to offer, maybe someone will hear it.
My comment about the temperature was not to in any way suggest that we not help out our fellow human being. I believe our immediate reaction is a pretty good gauge of our true character, however James convicting conscience shows at least that he hasn’t been hardened or seared against the good in humanity and that’s a good thing.
That’s okay, Greg, I understood what you meant. And you’re right, if James didn’t have a conscience or a shred of compassion, he probably never would have given the situation a second thought.
Sure, it’s easy to brag to the world how much you contribute to charities and whatnot, and it’s easy to tell others how they should do things, but I think it takes just as much guts to admit you may have made a mistake. Between the two of us, James is the one most likely to see the good in people. I’m a little too jaded, suspicious, skeptical, and a bit of a pessimist when it comes to my fellow man. As you can see here, for every person with a positive outlook, there’s another waiting in the wings ready to pounce with venom in their claws.
What it all comes down to is we’re only human, we’re not perfect and we all have regrets. The best we can do is learn from it and hopefully do better the next time.
I wonder if some of these people can hear themselves. Not all of the commenters, mind you, but the ones who keep calling this man pathetic or sick. How often does a truly selfless thought come to the average man? I’m incredibly selfish, so I probably would’nt have given it another thought. But this was more than just the money. Most people in that situation would have got in their car and drove off without a second thought. Hesitation to give him the money, but also hesitation to just leave without another thought, tore this guy between his good side and his not-so-good side. Given the fact that it’s still on his mind, I’d say the battle between “Keep the money” and “Give the money” is still being fought in some corner of his mind.
@ Eric – I agree. It’s both interesting and sad to see how people put down others to make themselves feel bigger and better. We’ve already noticed some good examples on the comments of this thread, I think.
@ Gregg – I live in Quebec and have a brother in Edmonton. A couple of years ago, we would take snapshots of our outdoor thermometers and email them back and forth in the Great “How Cold Can You Go” Competition. He won out at -45C. My best was -38C. But as Harry said, humans tend to develop tolerance to heat or cold – it’s funny as hell to see pictures of Harry with a scarf, but because he’s used to the heat of Nevada, it only makes biological sense that he’d freeze when it’s… uh… what was that balmy temperature you mentioned, bro?
@ Agree – No, I didn’t buy him something. As I’ve said, it is not my place to decide what other people should want or need. That was part of my struggle – why should I blow the money to buy chips (now there’s a healthy option…) if what the man needed was really a new pair of mitts?
I will also correct your false assumptions on one matter:
THIS WEBSITE EARNS NO MONEY THROUGH ADVERTISING AND DOES NOT RECEIVE ANY FINANCIAL COMPENSATION FROM TRAFFIC, VIEWS OR HITS. IN NO WAY HAVE WE HAD ANY MONETARY GAIN FROM THIS POST AND ITS COMMENTS.
@ Tami – It was hard. It’s still hard. And it’ll be hard the next time I’m faced with such a decision… but I think the decision will be easier to make regardless and I’ll choose one I feel better about.
@ Harry – Yup. You said it.
@ Vince – Thanks for speaking up. I appreciate that you understand that it’s not just about the “did you or didn’t you”.
I spoke about the incident to many people after it happened, asking them what they would do were they in the same situation. The majority were shocked that I’d even consider handing a stranger money. It almost seemed to be a foreign concept. What was also surprising was that each conversation I had ended up being cut off when the people changed the subject. Obviously, the issue of homeless people and the involvement of the homed in helping is still one that many people are uncomfortable discussing.
I’m glad that I’m not one of those people.
@Greg, yes things are relative. It’s just interesting living in America. We spend billions and billions keeping Americans on oil, and war is throw away money, just preparation for Big American businesses to cash in on contracts. I’ve read about people freezing to death up north and even experienced a brief stint myself in VA when I was 19. War, mmm, homeless Americans… mmmm
uh-oh… we moved into the subject of war… not looking good to end this discussion any time soon now
Well, hmmmm, I think the politically correct term is mission creep, I have to think about that one a bit. I *might* resemble that remark…..
Dare I suggest flying more paper at http://www.MySpace.com/etakeyama
Well, this to is a confidence building exercise, it’s great to participate in online discussions. I even passed by a dumpster at work and wasn’t even tempted to go diving, even though I’ve met some interesting people along my journey…
Thanks everyone for helping me discover my voice. And of course, the blatant self promotion. How shameless I’ve become…..sigh.
@Eric: We’re glad you stopped by. Overall, it’s been a good discussion, we never thought it would attract this much attention. And there’s nothing wrong with blowing your own horn once in a while
@ Gregg – War. *groans and clutches head* You’ll field comments for me then, will you?
@James I’m not really *supposed* to laugh at someone else, but if I don’t have a sense of humor, however dry, about myself well…
I guess I’m just throwing mud at the sun instead of making adobe and rebuilding. A friend at the mission told me something. “The pieces of your life don’t come together the same way.” Speaking of laughing, I did some writing and well, I was tempted to add a story about the goose that chased my second wife. She was making more noise. Egads… guilty, guilty guilty
@Harry, Thanks, because of people like you it’s going to be an even better year. James, thanks for starting us off…
All my life i have done not talked of doing.
Given away
Three cars
I house
Thousands and thousands of Dollars.
I sleep well
Due to illness I cannot work at my old job but God is good and i survive and I am Happy
Thank you all for caring
Gordon
son of John Logie Baird inventor of Television
@Gordon: Wow. I’m speechless. You’re welcome, and thank you.
@Gordon, thanks for sharing that insight, contentment, having few wants…
wanting to resolve a past that cannot,
wanting a tomorrow that’s only a rumor
But where do you sleep?
Sorry, but that’s not good enough. Nice thougths and kind words don’t feed and warm the homeless. Action does though. Don’t be affraid to help, so what if he growls at you! So what if he tells you to fuck off and turns his back on you. HELP HIM! He doesn’t want your money, he wants change.
There’s a song than haunts my soul. Will she sing it?
I don’t know….
It’s not Precious Lord
But Street Life, by the Crusaders
Don’t the man born blind tell it all
@ Jon – If you’d read the post, you’d know that I saw the man this late fall. I haven’t seen him since. While I’d like to help him now, I can’t. I don’t know where he is.
Also, I don’t know what he wants – to assume that anyone knows exactly what a homeless person wants most of all is very presumptuous indeed. He may not have wanted change; many people are homeless by choice. He may or may not have wanted money. I am not the one to say what others want or need. All I can do if I see the man again is ask to help.
Lastly, “so what” doesn’t really cut it when you have a child three feet away watching.
@ Gordon – Done, not talked, of doing is something to be very proud of.
@ Eric – No, thank you for coming and sharing. I wrote a post I thought only a handful of people would read and even less would care about. I’m thankful it reached farther than that. And while laughing at others isn’t always cool, it’s okay to laugh *with* others. Besides, give yourself a break. We’re all human and we all screw up
Your excuse about not knowing what he wants or needs is a very lame excuse. It would probably be safe to assume that the man digging through the trash for scraps of food might have been a little grateful for some food. Stop using this lame excuse. You should have helped in some way and you didn’t. Stop making excuses for it or you will make the same mistake next time.
And you had a child watching you as you clearly noticed the man in need and made a choice to not offer any type of help.
What does it hurt to offer? What does it hurt to not offer?
I hope next time you will make a better decision.
Happy New Year.
@ Agree – There is a distinct difference between making excuses and sharing my views, observations and experiences. I have at no point in my post or comments said that I did the right thing. Please don’t twist my words and intentions to serve yourself and your own opinions.
You’ll have to excuse me for not desiring to beat myself continually for the past. It’s over and done. How the event affected me is what is important, and I regret you can’t see that. Your loss, not mine.
It’s Jan 1, the start of a new year. I read my devotional at 5 am and it was about the first usage of the word touch in the NT. I feel it was very thought provoking.
In the photo we have a man who is not innocent of his “crimes” expressing love and compassion. Who is going to go out today and hug a homeless man? Penance or purgatory… America, the greatest nation on earth, is this not our choice?
@ Eric – Happy New Year to you as well. Though you’ll have to forgive me: I rather tend to believe Canada is the greatest nation on Earth…
Well, it’s kind of the ‘teach a man to fish’ thing. But the post is sensitively written and I appreciate the way James has addressed his own feelings quite honestly and directly. Well said mate.
We walk past homeless people every day. Our eyes are accustomed to the image and we have had years of hardening our hearts against the guilt that would otherwise engulf us as we pass without looking them in the eye. After a while they become invisible.
Do we give to every homeless person? Mostly we don’t. Reasons range from “If I gave to every homeless person I saw, I’d be homeless myself” (This might be true) to “What’s the point? They’ll only spend it on drugs/alcohol” (This might also be true). But the real reason is that we are afraid of being foolish. We are afraid, not of the expense of giving a pound or a dollar but of being a sucker. The idea of being ‘conned’ out of even a penny is much worse than losing a dollar through a hole in the pocket. So we harden ourselves against the guilt and walk by.
Then, at Christmas, something wonderful happens; something magical. A Spirit descends upon us. Is this the Spirit of Compassion? The Spirit of generosity? Er…… no. We still walk past without looking them in the eye…. but, boy! Do we feel GUILTY! This is the Christmas Spirit of Guilt.
Don’t worry about it. It happens every year.
@ Ron – Very true.
Not particularly accurate in my case, though, as it was fall and I wasn’t afraid of feeling foolish or getting conned – I was afraid of offending the poor guy. Christmas didn’t bring out any more feelings of guilt than I’d felt two months ago.
The holidays did provide me a chance to blog on something other than business, though, and I’m glad.
we all go through this. i usually just give the money.
@Ron I have a story to share along the line your expressed. I was eating at a soup kitchen for a period of time in a town. It was sponsored by a local church but you never saw or heard from the preacher. Then one day during the holiday season, the media showed up and guess who was there. I guess one has to draw their own conclusions.
@James I have to agree with a previous post as well, I felt you articulated your feelings quite well. A sensitive person would have those feelings, you insights have helped my understand my church a little better as well. I want to thank you. I do have some reservations about at least one individual. I brought a guest with me and a person behind us who shook his had first before taking mine “You are welcome” “You are not”. It happened in the balcony section, furtherest from the fire. We went to another church the following weekend. But I ended up going back by “invitation” and joining anyway.
I forgot to mention the soup kitchen was not in Jacksonville, I have seen my pastor at the mission just because he cares. This is one of the things that makes him different and why I respect him not just the position.
wow. I know I am late coming to this.
James and Harry- I like you guys. I really do enjoy your blog and reading your comments elsewhere. But I must say I was very disappointed in the ending to your story and I guess
a bit disappointed in you.
As a mommy (dare I say a mommy blogger?) I have to stress that your children will be taught NOT by what you SAY but what you DO. (PS are you saying you left your kid in the car while you were in the shop? I’m not following hte kid reasoning.)
I can’t presume to judge, as I live in a city where homelessness doesn’t show itself every single day, so it is easy to give the few times I do see it.
As far as the man “growling” you have to face that- as long as YOUR OWN INNER MOTIVES are pure, who cares if the man rebuffs you? Those who give take that risk everyday. Yet, if you know in your heart that what you are doing is for the benefit of another human that you truly (truly) care for, than who cares if its shrugged off.
Keeping that in mind, perhaps you shouldn’t have given afterall. Perhaps your motives weren’t in the right place. If you give out of guilt, perhaps chances are you’d be (rightfully) rebuffed.
Inspiring post. Give cause it’s the right thing to do, no other reason, and the rest follows along.
You may be interested in my humanitarian/volunteer blog:
http://www.30yearstosavetheworld.blogspot.com
Why did you just give him the $20, or better yet, buy him a few cans of food. then you wouldnt have to write on the internet to make yourself feel better.
“(quote)…..I wasn’t afraid of feeling foolish or getting conned – I was afraid of offending the poor guy”
Now I wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up or even feel guilty. You didn’t put the guy in this situation and you were in no position to get him out of it. However, I don’t think you’re being entirely honest with yourself here. You didn’t offer money to someone who depends on handouts for survival because you didn’t want to OFFEND him???
Sometimes I give, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes (most times actually) when I give, I feel a little embarrassed about the gulf between my situation and that of the homeless person. Sometimes when I give, I feel a little foolish that I have been ‘suckered’ even though I consciously know this is not the case (that old embedded fear I mentioned in my last comment). Invariably when I don’t give, I feel guilty.
When I analyze my reasons for giving, it’s to make me feel good about myself. Sure there’s compassion and empathy but my reasons are always partly selfish too. When I analyze my reasons for not giving it’s because I don’t want to have to think about it or I don’t want to acknowledge his or her plight (which never works because just seeing them does that). Whatever I do, my reasons for doing so are invariably more about me than the homeless person.
I don’t think you need to justify your decision. We are all subject to the same fears, insecurities and so on. We’re human and few of our actions are purely selfless. Whatever we do is fulfilling our own need in some way. This is OK.
But let’s be honest with ourselves. What experience led you to the conclusion that a homeless person searching through the trash for food and relying on handouts would be offended by the offer of some cash? He might well have felt uncomfortable about the situation just as we do. Unlike us though, he’s probably more accustomed to feeling uncomfortable as this is his daily experience 24/7. But OFFENDED?? That doesn’t really wash, does it?
You hit the nail on the head with the choice of word “accustomed”. I’m accustomed to interacting with people in a certain way because of how I live, where I live, and the culture around me. If I walked down the street and offered a regular joe some money, he’d probably think I was nuts, look horrified, mumble something and move on. If I offered a woman, she’d probably look confused, walk faster and look back over her shoulder to see if I’m following.
In short, I am not accustomed to giving strangers money and my imagination came up with all sorts of potential scenarios as a reaction.
What experience led to the conclusion that a man searching through trash would be offended? Media, probably – I’ve seen plenty of movies where homeless people are portrayed as crusty, crabby and not quite sane. Preconceived notions, certainly, after watching another homeless lady in town scream at people on the street for no reason, beat telephone poles with her stick and threaten passersby in cars.
I agree with you that I don’t need to justify myself to anyone, and that it’s okay. I don’t mind answering comments in the least. But I don’t have to beat myself up or heap myself with guilty or beg for anyone’s forgiveness or explain a thing. I wrote a story about an experience and my thoughts surrounding it. No more, no less.
Harry:
OMG, I had an eerily similiar situation many years ago. I have to write about it now! Wow, I did the same thing – drove away, not giving money to a distraught woman who startled me by banging on my car window (passenger side). It was pouring out and she was crying frantically. But I didn’t give her any money.
And it haunted me ever since. You inspired me to write my post. I gotta go now and write it while it burns fresh in my mind!
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I knew you’d like it. Your story sounds even more traumatic than mine. I look forward to reading it.
I recently had a chance to interact with a few homeless men. I too wrote about it. My story had a different ending. This time I did the right thing. But I wrote it for the same reason you wrote what you did. So I have no rocks to throw. Only saying, “I understand”.
Sorry you got all the flack man. It was undeserved.
Richard
PS. If you want to read my story you can find it here. http://www.xanga.com/InnerJoy/646074895/item.html
PPS. Yes, I know, I know. Xanga and all that. -grin
Let me share a short scenario with you when I worked in the Justice field.
I was going home from the job and a lady on the street asked me for a cigarette. I said “No I don’t have any.” She then jumped straight from asking for a mere cigarette to asking, “Do you have a hundred dollars?”
I shook my head and continued on home.
I always hesitate when strangers ask me for something.
I always wonder with the homeless people, are they really homeless?Because I have heard news stories about millionaires asking for money out on the street. I also understand that some people are really truly homeless or unfortunate too or just are perhaps intoxicated as I’ve had intoxicated people yell at me for something or other.
Another thing that worries me is if I say “no,” will I get stabbed or shot to death?
This was a news story that happened somewhere awhile ago (forgot where) but someone asked someone for money and the person who said “no” got stabbed and robbed for a mere $5.00.
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Phew, I’m actually afraid to write because it looks like there are people who’ll flame you WHATEVER you write. But that’s the risk you take for writing online I guess.
I’m in India and there are far more people on the streets here wanting handouts and who happily accept whatever you give them, there’s no question of anyone growling at you or being offended. But James I perfectly empathise with the way you responded. This is what happened to me on my only trip to the US about four years back.
I’d come to to New York City on an eight day trip and I’d gone to Coney Island when my conference got over. I stopped for lunch at a Chinese restaurant and across the road from where I sat I saw an old man, bent over, pushing a shoping trolley filled with what looked like his worldly belongings and he was rummaging through garbage. I ordered some extra Chinese takeaway and after I’d finished walked across to him and said “Excuse me would you like some lunch and proferred him the box.” He turned and snapped at me like I had offended him. I was shocked and confused because I had not encountered anything like this in India.
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To the negative commenters:
Believe it or not, not every homeless person wants help or accepts help willingly. Some of them can react violently if you offer help to them that they don’t want. Being homeless doesn’t automatically mean you don’t have pride (even if they are searching through garbage, they can still have an entirely unknowable inner code of conduct that they don’t appreciate being breached.)
So it’s perfectly understandable that James was concerned about offending the man. You have to understand something about writers too — writers write about events — they aren’t trying to make themselves feel better, they are reporting something about life that strikes them, even if it exposes some bit of lack in themselves.
I get approached routinely by homeless people asking for handouts. I almost always tell them I don’t have any cash, although occasionally if they hit me on the right day and I have a spare dollar loose in my pocket (I’d never take out my wallet) I give them something. I always feel guilty when I deny somebody — especially a young person, worried that I may have just pushed them a step closer to turning a trick to get their next buck. But I can’t assume responsibility for all the homeless that approach me.
But one time I did help somebody — he was sitting on the curb on a cold windy day that threatened snow, with a sign that said “will work for food or money” and he looked so resigned to the cold day ahead. I made a detour into the coffee shop right there, and bought him a hot sandwich and the biggest coffee they had. I walked up to him, said “can you finish these for me?” and handed them to him. He scrambled to his feet and took them graciously, almost shyly and with thanks, then he scuttled around the corner. I felt both happy and sad, and it was a rare moment of grace. If his sign hadn’t said WILL WORK, I wouldn’t have bothered with him.
Don’t get sentimental and think it always works like that. For that one good experience I’ve had way too many scary encounters with a homeless person trying to get something from me.
James I sense some guilt there. Such a burden that emotion. It makes you feel bad for being successful.
I wonder what bad choices led to his homeless existence? Are we all a few bad moves from the gutter. Yes, if the moves are particularly bad. Along the lines of “Cocaine? Don’t worry, I can handle it.”
Joe