When Encouragement Hurts: How to Praise Others Properly
“You can do it! Come on, give it a try.”
“That’s great! Keep it up. You can make it!”
“Oh, I think that’s beautiful, well done.”
Those are nice sentences, aren’t they? Have you heard any of them? Did your parents tell you encouraging words? Maybe your friends are the ones to support you these days or you read inspirational blogs to give you the “you can do it” that you need.
People need encouragement to push themselves into action, to do better than they think they can do. They need support and recognition of effort. Encouragement makes us feel better about our decisions, our attempts, our potential and ourselves.
But when does encouragement go wrong? When is it just empty praise?
Be Careful Who You Listen To
Can you really trust someone who is telling you go, go, go? Does this person – the friend, the blogger, the guru, the mentor – really know who you are, or where your self-esteem has a sore that aches, or what your limits are? Sometimes, letting yourself get built up may result in a hard fall when you feel you can’t meet expectations or when you fail where others succeed.
An objective opinion can be helpful, though. It’s dangerous to ask people we care for and who care for us their views on our efforts. Is that friend just being nice, smiling and encouraging you because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings? Is your partner or spouse telling you what you want to hear because they love you?
How many times have you been put on the spot with “How do I look?” and you answered, “Hey, you look great,” when you were really thinking, “Damn. I’d never wear that shirt… but she loves it. And I don’t want to hurt her feelings…”
So what do you do? Here’s a story that may help you offer encouragement that counts.
Once upon a time, there were two boys. One boy’s family encouraged him often, praising him and his work. The other boy’s family didn’t, because excellence was expected, period.
Those two boys grew up into men, and they became fast friends. They even went into business together because they made such a great team.
“What do you think of this?” One man showed the other a work in progress.
“Move this here,” the friend answered. “Put that there. Change this… Hm. Yeah, that’d look better.”
And so changes were made, and good feelings plunged.
The team’s encouragement was one sided. One man never gave any, unaware that his friend craved the encouragement he needed. One man gave encouragement all the time, unaware that the empty words didn’t give his friend the objective feedback he needed.
And so the two carried on until one day, the discussion happened. “I appreciate the feedback, but I wish you’d encourage me along the way,” the first man said.
His partner was confused. “I do, don’t I? I tell you what I think might make your work better. I wish you’d tell me what I do wrong like that instead of telling me how great I am.”
“But you are great,” the first man was puzzled. “What else can I say? And I need you to tell me good things, not criticize all the time.”
Clearly, the pair always in balance wasn’t balancing out.
Be Honest and Tell the Truth
How do you praise others? Do you tell them the dress is lovely when it isn’t because you want to boost their self-esteem or avoid hurt feelings? Do you encourage a work in progress when you feel the work isn’t good? Do you really want to encourage something you know will result in negative results?
We all hide the truth. We offer encouragement because we want to support people and help them. We want them to feel good and upbeat – but we don’t provide the proper feedback to truly help people improve.
Tell someone honestly when you don’t like something. Tell them when you think they may be making a mistake. That helps them, because they can trust you to be honest and improve on what isn’t working.
It’s a far better idea to praise the initiative and offer honest, constructive criticism.
Familiarity Breeds Complacency
It’s good to encourage people and praise their efforts. But if all you ever hand out are rah-rah-rahs, you may end up becoming a sure thing. You’re redundant. Everyone knows that you’ll just say it’s great work – your feedback isn’t valuable.
Handing out continual cheers becomes redundant and expected. The words mean nothing after a while. Think of football cheerleaders – do they truly pump up the players after the 20th game?
Package the Bad with the Good
Gift-wrapping constructive criticism is a skill. It involves finding diplomatic words to say the negative and soften the blow with the positive. Balance between the two is necessary; too much of one is just as bad as the other.
Choose “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences. Instead of saying, “You should do this,” say, “I think this could be… I feel that it might…”
“You” sentences are perceived as personal attacks and create the need to defend ourselves. Make sure that the brunt of the feedback reflects that it’s your opinion only and not a reflection of the person’s self-worth.
Remove all sense of possession and ownership. A critique involves a triad: you, the other person and the object in question. The object should never be an extension of the person that worked on it.
So avoid using possessive pronouns like “your” drawing or “your” work. Consider using “the” drawing” or “the” work instead. Analyze as a team, not as you handing over judgment on the other person’s efforts.
Include praise. There is always good in every bad. There is always something nice in something terrible. Critique away, but do offer words of encouragement in good, healthy doses.
So what was the result of the discussion between the two men?
Well, James learned that even friends he believed could create excellence needed to hear encouragement – not for what they had done, but for the efforts put forth. He learned how to tell someone he valued the person while offering constructive feedback for improvement.
He learned to say, “Good work so far. I believe in you,” more often to encourage motivation.
And Harry learned to rely on his own confidence, to trust himself to do a good job without needing praise to get the job done. He also learned that negative feedback wasn’t a reflection of his self-worth or his abilities. It was valuable criticism that helped him improve who he was and what he could do.
He also learned that when James said, “Good job,” he could trust that James truly meant it.
46 Responses to “When Encouragement Hurts: How to Praise Others Properly”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Go ahead. Leave a Comment!
-
Affiliate Program
-
James Is Reading…
-
Social Hookups
As Seen In…
Overheard on the Web
MwP is Powered by…
Great post, and a very real problem in the way that people communicate with each other all the time. It applies to more than business relationships too.
It’s easy to assume that what makes you tick works for everyone else, but that isn’t always the case.
It was especially interesting read this as a parent. It’s got me thinking about how often I praise my kids and how that might affect them later on in life.
Personally, I think I fall somewhere between the two extremes. I like to hear praise, but only if I think it’s really legitimate. If I hear it all the time, I tend not to believe it. My Dad kind of operated on the “excellence is expected” principle.
Keep up the good work!
Laura Spencer’s last blog post..Explain How You Chose Your Job and You Could Win!
(I’m afraid to say “great post” after reading it
but)
Great post, seriously. As Laura said too, when you have kids this is something to consider. If someone does a good job, I find it better to say “you did a good job and that’s because you worked hard at it” rather than to say “you did well because you’re so smart”.
Option 1 is good because if the person fails, then they can think, “hmm, I didn’t work hard enough, must work harder next time”. Option 2, not so good, the person may think, “I’m not smart after all”.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
James,
I love this post and would like to encourage you, even though I suspect you don’t need it. But first, I feel that this may help:
Re: the dress. YES. You tell her it’s lovely. Actually, You tell her it’s HOT. No wonder you boys aren’t married.
My favorite part: “the” drawing, “the” work. I think that’s pretty brilliant, and not I’m sure if I do that or not so I’m going to keep an eye out.
Tip: With your lady, “the” steaks you burnt last night may not work as well.
The “I” thing is the first thing they tell you in couples counseling. I learned it decades ago, and it is just as good at work as at home, I agree. I’m not perfect at it, but it’s well worth making a lifetime pursuit. “I feel” is closer to the truth than “You never,” anyway.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
@ Kelly – Feel free to praise and encourage me to your heart’s content. Please. Don’t hold back.
As for marriage, I live in Quebec. No one gets married up here. We shack up. Been there, done that. Best not to. No one can stand living with me longer than a few weeks.
@ Brett – You, my friend… *waggles finger* Learn to offer constructive criticism.
@ Laura – I’m exactly like you. Heartfelt praise should be sporadic and meaningful. I tend to not take continual encouragement very seriously. I need to earn my praise.
Except that fandom thing Kelly suggested. I like that very much. Please. Feel free.
James,
‘Cuz you tell them their dresses make ‘em look like they just put on their Grandma’s sofa. This is a factor in length of shacking-up.
Take note: Brett is married. It can be done. And I will bet Brett tells his wife she looks hot in that dress.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
@ James: I’m laughing, because I *knew* you’d say that… it is a side effect of my household, I get on a roll, “good job, good job, good job, good job…”
(the kids, you know)
Plus my Libra personality, balance and trying to please everybody all the time and stuff. But if you ask my wife, if and when I do say something, it’s usually right on target.
So watch out
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
I worked for Starbucks for two years and I had to take a class to train others with was basically how to give constructive criticism. Here’s what they said, those many moons ago:
-Sandwich a criticism with two praises
-Say what they did, what they should have done and how to do it better
Of course this is for making coffee (or whatever you want to call Starbucks drinks), but I think it still works.
Most of the time what I need is someone to tell me to not set my expectations so high. I expect often too much of myself and need some moderation occassionally. That’s why for while last year I had two jobs, worked on the college paper and had four other classes. Too much, heh.
@Kelly: I don’t it’s too nice to invoke their marital status, you know?
Allison W.
Allison White’s last blog post..Bias coverage of the Olympic protests – good or bad?
James, I tend to walk on the sunny side of the street and when I hit a pile of manure, I choose to see it as fertilizer. With friends I am honest but nice. However, your post made me think if I’m offering the right balance. I appreciate having the mirror held up. I’m always up for improving and becoming a better person. It’s nice to know that when I need a healthy dose of truth, I can come here. You can bang me on the head (gently) and Harry can hand me the ice pack.
@ Brett – I can resonate with that Libra personality thing (I’m a Libra too
). The thing about us Libras is that while we try to please everyone, we’re also extremely perceptive and intuitive. We generally tend to be “right on”, just due to our empathy alone 
Still, I agree with James – constructive criticism is still the best way to go!
I think that the lack of constructive criticism leads most children to feel entitled. My generation is like a Mr. Roger’s generation. Sure, the man was all about making us feel good, but now we have zero perspective (yes, this is a gross generalization). A lot of my peers feel entitled to, say, a management position because their parents/Mr. Rogers told them that they’re the smartest/most special…etc. I see this trend everywhere: a mediocre clarinetist thinks that she alone should have 1st part everytime, a yellow belt sasses the high ranks because he thinks that he can be just as good as them, my peers talk down to professors.
If a person didn’t do a remarkable job, they shouldn’t believe that they did. Period. My sister gets easily discouraged/frustrated and I’ve found that the best method for keeping her confidence is to point out specific points in her work that’s good – like, “Your tone quality has shown a lot of improvement and I really enjoyed listening to that.” Did I tell her that she’ll chair into the MSO? No, I told her that she’s doing much better.
Plus, it softens the blow of “You lost time at the 16th notes. Have you been working with a metronome?” If I would say “you should work with a metronome”, she would be discouraged by me writing her off so quickly (plus, she could be having problems following it). I share the problems that I’ve had to show her that she’s not a dummy, and give her suggestions that helped me.
My sister comes to me for advice – If I told her “great job!”, I would be failing as a mentor. We owe our friends (or kids if you have them) more than that.
PS – I’m not picking on anyone, I’m just really opinionated about this topic! Many of the people in my generation have HUGE problems with this and they really get on the nerves of those of us who are willing to work hard! Even so, I’m sorry if I offended anyone.
RLD: Taekwondo Happiness’s last blog post..Whoops!
Oh crap – that whole thing was NOT addressed to Brett! I should have been more clear… Just the first paragraph is @Brett
*blush* I should pay more attention….
RLD: Taekwondo Happiness’s last blog post..Whoops!
This is great James, really. It prompted me to re-read my reply to your comment on my site and checked to see if I had been rude. I don’t think so, but I’ll let you tell me.
Rudy’s last blog post..Tesla Roadster – THE reason to take out a second mortgage
@ RLD:
I was laughing as I knew it wasn’t all coming at me (but it would have been okay anyway if it was, because it was a good point)
I agree with both you & James for sure. Constructive criticism is the way to go.
I will admit to holding back somewhat still, until I get to know a person well enough. It’s a byproduct of where I work, I think..
Management here didn’t go to Allison W.’s Starbucks training, unfortunately…
The criticism sandwiches usually consist of a thick slice of shit, lovingly squished between two fresh slices of shit loaf, then rammed down your throat and followed up with hearty kick in the ass for dessert…
So to keep the universe in balance, I try to be an extra nice guy most days LOL
(Please note that I actually do like the people I work with, I’m picky and I moved to a department with good people. I’m just amazed by the way some “leaders” behave here.)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
@Brett – HAHA, a shit sandwich. Hmm, sounds like dinner with my mom…..
RLD: Taekwondo Happiness’s last blog post..Whoops!
Note to friends and future friends:
Don’t ever ask me for my opinion unless you want my absolute, honest opinion.
Now that being said, I have tried for 47 years trying to learn this elusive thing my sweet, sensitive oldest daughter calls *tact* whatever that’s supposed to mean….
which she is convinced I have only gleaned a thimble-full in my life-time.
But hey-I’m trying. For example if you ask if if the red dress makes you look fat, I might say, “It makes you look fatter then you are..so I’d burn it…it’s not worthy of your awesome body.” Unless your not awesome and then I’d leave that one word out.
Also, if I give praise, I try to say what I like about something, if I can put it into words.
For example,
James, I really liked this post, BECAUSE,
It showed that we don’t all look at things the same way and it was a great reminder to try and treat others the way that they need to be treated and not the way that you need to be treated.
I went to a seminar once on how people feel validated and loved. It was an eye opener. Some people need to hear the words, some people need to be given the *things* some people need the physical contact..we are all different. We need to listen for those differences.Your post was a good reminder of that for me.
Great indepth stuff you’ve got going on over here.
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Before the Play is Done
@Wendi – You know, I actually PREFER “this dress makes you look fatter than you actually are”. It’s b/c I wasn’t asking for an ego-boost, I would want to know how I actually look
Plus, if I put on something else and you said “wow, you look awesome”, I would know that you meant it
RLD: Taekwondo Happiness’s last blog post..Whoops!
@ Wendi & RLD: no matter how nicely you word it, I *won’t* look good in a red dress…
As always these things come down to communication and learning what the other person needs, as Wendi says. Constant compliments may seem empty to some people, where to others they are a requirement. Some people can handle the truth, some need kid gloves.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
@ Wendi, do these pants make me look fat?
I have a nephew who feels it’s ok to be rude if he’s being “honest”. We’ve had talks between the differences between honesty and rudeness and why we need tact, but he feels I’m old and out of touch and as an honest person he can tell me as much. He doesn’t have many friends though…
In any event: nice post, and nice reminder. This is becoming one of my favorite places to visit.
@ Deb – I do *not* believe in being rude for the sake of being honest. Sometimes, it’s a smart thing to shut your mouth, and there are things that don’t need to be spoken aloud. I agree with you on that one. (And I’m glad you like it here as much as I like your blog!)
@ Karen – You look lovely. No, in fact, you look HOT.
@ Kelly – How’d I do? Not that I’m looking for a wife, but hey.
@ Brett – Ah, but have you *tried* a dress? One never knows…
@ Wendi – I had to learn diplomacy a la Harry style. I’m afraid my Canadianism is a bit too direct for my American Friends. It takes a long time. A looong time.
You also bring up a very interesting point about treating others the way they need to be treated, not how you’re used to. I think it takes a particular special ability to figure that out for other people, though.
@ Rudy – You weren’t rude in the least. You were actually being very Canadian, and I’ve been sitting here for four days thinking of a reply. It was a good comment.
@ RLD – I hear you. Generational issues does make a difference. For example, my friends could say, “You ass. What the hell did you think you were doing?” and we’d laugh and it was cool. These days, I tell my daughter, “You’re very smart, honey/” (not pretty; never reinforce a girl’s prettiness…) “and I love your creativity,” (always encourage forward thinking), “but it might have been a better idea” (no YOU sentences) “to use a knife for the butter “(a suggestion) “rather than spread it with your hands in your hair.” (the reason you want to choke her) “What do you think?” (must encourage self-analysis). Cripes.
@ Karen – Ha, you are one of those sunny people… but you whine, too. You’re off the hook lol
@ Allison White – They invoke all kinds of statuses around here. We’re good with it. And I like your Starbucks suggestions, those are good ones.
@ Kelly – Who says I want to get married OR shack up?
@ James: been there, done that. Halloween party, and I didn’t wax. All known copies of pictures and negatives destroyed in cleansing flames…
’nuff said.
(Psst – whoever has that last photo, do you take PayPal?)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
James,
Brett is married. Do not flirt with him. I’m sure he looks hot in a dress, but that’s for his wife to say.
Rejecting me again, eh? Just because I didn’t ask how I look? (There’s another tip: DO NOT ask questions you don’t want an honest answer to!)
Karen, you are a lucky lady (I think… maybe…), except when he’s feeling cranky. I hope you’ll be very happy together.
I just can’t touch that last dig in a comment, though I’ve tried and hit delete 25, 26 times now. It’s not my blog.
I can tell it’s Friday.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
@ Kelly – Oh go on, you know you wanna…
Dammit, once again I’m late to the party. I really need to start getting up at a more decent hour.
@Brett, You said something that really resonated with me:
“As always these things come down to communication and learning what the other person needs, as Wendi says. Constant compliments may seem empty to some people, where to others they are a requirement. Some people can handle the truth, some need kid gloves.”
I was just thinking that sometimes you need to tell your friend that yes, it does look like she’s put on some weight…. But if she’s going through a hard time, maybe dealing with a breakup, a death, trouble at work, it might be best to just tell her that she looks fine. Timing can be everything and sometimes it’s better to be kind than to send someone who’s on the edge reeling down the side of the mountain.
Melissa Donovan’s last blog post..Jeff Buckley: Grace (Album)
James,
Nope. I can’t be responsible for le potentially angry French dude misunderstanding me on a Friday night. I shall giggle privately.
BTW, 20+ comments late, I loved what Brett said about praising the work, so later the blame falls on the work ethic (if needed), not the brainpower. That’s an excellent, very subtle point, another thing I’m going to keep an eye on to see how I do it and adjust if necessary.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
James – I like that you are honest, even when it hurts. Your comments on other blogs were what attracted me to check out your blog, because yours were the very few comments where folks were willing to speak out and disagree.
I would go to you and Harry for opinions on anything. Except dresses. I don’t wear dresses.
I am brutally honest, sometimes when I shouldn’t be. Again with the no censor button… But I do try to be nice when I tell someone they suck or where they can kiss me…
Amy’s last blog post..The Best Laid Plans
@James: I figured something good had to come from working at Starbucks
I also wanted to add that sometimes when people complain about something, they aren’t looking for criticism or advice. They just want to whine. I tend to stay away from people who do that too often.
fourclover’s last blog post..Bias coverage of the Olympic protests – good or bad?
@ Melissa: you made me think of something else too. I have a friend who is a doctor, he says sometimes (if there isn’t really anything he can do) he’ll tell people they’ll be okay, take a couple of Aspirins – mostly for simple things. The positive thoughts seem to work better than him just saying “I can’t do anything for that”.
I guess the idea may be to pick your battles. If something is pretty good and good enough, then let it go.
@ Kelly: it seems to be working with our kids, and the other thing (sort of off topic from this) is that when each of them started saying “can’t” we’d ask “why won’t you do it?” instead of “why can’t you do it?”
They really do figure out a way to do it. The power of the mind.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
@Brett: Missed your comment before. I figured the “shit loaf” was a given when talking about Starbucks corporate culture, heh. However, I think it is effective if you’re honest, you know? (if they did two things right that is). I think it was to force us to compliment as well as criticize because most 19-year-olds are too great at that.
Also, didn’t mean to put my name as “fourclover.” Some habits die hard, eh?
Allison
Allison White’s last blog post..Bias coverage of the Olympic protests – good or bad?
@Brett – I like the way you think, w. the “won’t” vs. “can’t”. I think it’s a thought that we could all benefit from
RLD: Taekwondo Happiness’s last blog post..Whoops!
One of these days, I’m going to go through everywhere that Brett comments, and compile a book of “Brett’s Tips for Raising Four Kids, Three of Which are Triplets”. I’d make a fortune!
@ Brett – Regarding traits of Libras… that explains A LOT. I’m also a libra… and I’m definitely like that!
Maybe not a red dress… but how about a red shirt? With blowfish on it?
@ Wendi – I would prefer an honest opinion about how I look in something! My boyfriend tends to give a halfhearted “you look fine” when I ask him, and then later ask me, “why didn’t you wear that other shirt I like?” Well, if you had told me BEFORE we left…
@ Melissa – You aren’t the only one.
We can be late to the party together. Only time I’m not late is when I’m up at an un-Godly hour, and then I’m early and I still miss the good part of the party!
Allison’s last blog post..New York Roll
Well, this is my first time to visit your blog. I just came from your first interview with Stephen Hopson at Adversity University. I loved your article, then I sat here and laughed through the humor and playfulness and honesty of the comments. I think I will fit in nicely here.
I have a friend that says, “Don’t ask Pat, unless you want the truth. She will be honest. If you don’t want to hear it, don’t ask.” I want people to be honest with me so that is how I am with them. At the same time, I don’t like rudeness. I have Libra in my astrology chart in four different places so I do have some tact. I never intentionally hurt the feelings of another person. I sometimes do it unintentionally.
Constructive criticism is a hard topic. Who decides when it is constructive or destructive? I have learned to look at criticism from other people in a way that allows me to see is it true for me or is it just their garbage that they are trying to add to mine. If it is mine, and sometimes it definitely is, then I decide if I want to change it or not. If it belongs to the other person, I don’t make it mine. We all see others through our own filters. Sometimes the filters are so thick that all we can see is our own shit. Sometimes if we don’t want to admit that it is ours, we will try to pass it off as someone else’s. All I can work on is my own garbage, not someone else’s.
I grew up in a home with no praise of any kind. A friend who is also my second mom for years would give me advice that she saw as encouragement. Because of my own childhood, all I ever heard her saying was that I wasn’t good enough. That stopped the day that I was able to tell her how I felt. She had no idea of my feelings and I had no idea that she thought she was offering me encouragement.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker’s last blog post..Gratitude
Allison of SushiVille and others,
I’m not worried about whether my butt looks big in X, in part because I’m overconfident and love me, and in part because I know what look good on me and what should be burned, so I don’t wear stuff that does that to me and I definitely don’t ask that kind of set-up questions of a dude.
I’ll know I’ve found “him” when he can quote Eric Clapton and not sound like I told him to quote Eric Clapton. “You look wonderful tonight.” Hot is also good in a pinch.
Brett,
Do you take nine-year-olds on consignment? I adore her, but some days… right now she won’t get away from her GameBoy long enough to eat. (She says, not stopping typing long enough to eat…)
I think I’d better go set an example or some such.
Until later, folks.
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
Have I ever mentioned how much I love my gang? Everyone writes these great comments – go to another blog, and they’re all 10 words or less. You guys rule.
@ Kelly – I suffer the same problem. “In a minute… in a minute… in another minute… WHY AREN’T YOU DOING WHAT I ASKED?” Learning from modeling behavior? I think so.
@ Patricia – Welcome to the gang. You’ll fit in just fine. As for constructive versus destructive, I think if anything is worded in a way that hurts someone, then it’s destructive – even if it was meant well. And I think it’s important not to throw stones in a glass house too (or whatever the saying is) – if a person can’t speak up honestly to say, “Wow, you just hurt my feelings because that was a shitty thing to say, “then it’s no better than the person who hurt yours by dishing it out in the first place… right?
Then again, my mum criticizes, I tell her she hurt my feelings and she gets all upset because I take things personally. *rolls eyes* I can’t win.
@ Allison – I’m surrounded by Libras. My toddler is one. I don’t think that’s compatible with Cancer, honestly. Can you change your sign to match mine? Pisces works well…
@ Brett – Hmm… can’t versus won’t… In my household, I’m frequently hear to say, “What do you mean you can’t? You can do anything!” (And yes, my love of “We can do that,” has often had Harry wishing that I’d learned to say no…)
@ Allison 4C – Ha. Yes. Here’s one more: Complainers want to change you. They never want to change themselves.
@ Amy – I actually have very good taste and can give you advice on clothing. And I appreciate that you like the fact that I speak up – many people don’t. “Outspoken” is a word commonly tagged on my forehead.
Ah, but if the shoe fits!
@ Melissa – Oh, damned good point. Yes. Timing is everything. “Just out of rehab? Well. Don’t act like that. People will think you’re crazy or something.” Bad, bad. Never gun down the person who’s taking a first step and always try to judge who that person is before you shoot.
@ Kelly – Hehe SushiVille! That’s a new one. I like! See, the problem is that he says these things without prompting from me. “Maybe you should have worn heels…” Well, maybe you should have told me earlier, when I could have done something about it! Bah, I love him to death but he has no tact whatsoever. At least now I’m learning not to get upset when he tells me I’m being stupid for forgetting to instantiate my objects or something like that…
@ James – Erm… I’m still working on the time machine. Unfortunately, the time-space continuum does not seem to be on my side for this one…
Allison’s last blog post..New York Roll
@ Allison White aka fourclover
I agree it is definitely good to be honest sometimes, and it can be done properly. When I took formal training in this area they always got us to tell the other person FIVE good things and TWO areas to work on (we used those words). We would tell them the good things, then the areas to work on, then reiterate the good again. I liked that method.
I also know a few complainers where I work. Complain all day long about work and how they hate it, how they’d rather be somewhere else. I’ve noticed most of them are also single, no kids, nothing to tie them to this area or this job.
So mu question is… why are you sitting here bitching at me? I’ll bet I’ll change my life and get to where I want it to be before any of these guys.
@ RLD & James: it is a very powerful way of thinking, yes. I also like Richard Branson’s personal saying (and also the name of one of his books) – “screw it, let’s do it”. Simple, smart, effective.
@ Allison: hello fellow Libra! Hey, if you can make a book out of it, go for it!!! I’ll sign it for you LOL I’ve been saving the shirt for this weekend, so pics to follow soon
@ Kelly (and any other takers): yes, I do take children on consignment for short term visits, I’m sure your daughter would get along with our oldest son, we just got him a DS and I literally had to grab him yesterday before he fell down the stairs… walking & playing… not good!
(Nice little game though, good graphics
)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
James,
My daughter (who finally ate when I modelled the behavior of going to the table) is a Pisces, my first really close encounter with one (my entire family is Libras/ Scorpios except me, even my ex was a Libra). I love her spirit. I wish the world were made of Pisces. Lots of people aren’t much for astrology and scientifically, I totally get that, but this kid walked out of the delivery room in a cloud of brilliant watercolors.
Allison,
James has a time machine. Sometimes he’s a day ahead, sometimes he’s an hour behind… must be cool to be him. Borrow it, then you can put on the heels before the nearly-hubby finishes his sentence.
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
@Brett, I can relate to that. One particularly stressful year, I made many visits to the doctor and he just kept saying, “it’s stress, you need exercise.” I WAS exercising! Finally I got a Dr. who said “Take some vitamins and write in your journal.” Voila! All better.
Also, you said “FIVE good things and TWO areas to work on.” Wow, I’ve been thinking about James’ post throughout the day and one of my notions was that negative feedback always packs more punch than positive. I was literally thinking that the only way for one negative comment to go down smoothly is for it to be accompanied by at least five positive comments. We are SO on the same wavelength
@Allison, Let’s be late together and make a grand entrance. With an orchestra. I can hear the string section now.
@James, You said “Complainers want to change you. They never want to change themselves.” I just want to repeat it because it bears repeating. And your other comment, yep, I find that timing puts the “t” in tact.
Melissa Donovan’s last blog post..Jeff Buckley: Grace (Album)
@ Melissa: journaling is a very powerful tool, as I’ve only fairly recently discovered – but I’ll always do it now. I agree, we’re on the same page today (maybe we should co-author a post some time
)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
@Brett, Co-author a post? I’ve never done that but I’d love to try. That sounds fun
Feel free to email me about that one!
Melissa Donovan’s last blog post..Jeff Buckley: Grace (Album)
Good things happen here. Brett and Melissa co-authoring a post? Great idea! I don’t look fat in these pants and all is right with the world!
Welcome aboard Patricia! You’ll love it here!
Karen Swim’s last blog post..Fierce Friday – I Did It My Way
@ Melissa: it does sound interesting, doesn’t it? I shall do that. I’m sure we could figure out some kind of format and topic.
@ Karen: you are right, good things do happen here. I wonder if the Men realize how much of a laboratory they really have going in their comments section
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
*whispers to Melissa* Brett likes RPG, too… You could play a game together.
@ Brett – No explosives.
@ James – yeah, probably not a good idea… coffee and beer are okay though, right?
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
All of this talk about constructive criticism reminds me of the “sandwich” technique we use for speech evaluations in Toastmasters.
At the end of a speech, we stuff a sandwich into the speaker’s mouth. Then we proceed to give a brutal evaluation. The sandwich muffles the shouting, screaming, and swearing.
In all seriousness, the “sandwich” technique involves looking at positive things first, suggestions for improvement in the middle, then finishing the evaluation on a positive note. Most speakers find it a very useful technique.
BTW: all of this James and Harry going back and forth… makes me think of Potters…
Mark Dykeman’s last blog post..Seth says: how to really make friends and influence people online