How to Put Rumors to Rest

I’d like you all to imagine a Jedi hand-wave right now, because that title doesn’t work nearly so well without it.

There is no ebook. There has never been an ebook. We never referred to it obliquely a few weeks back. We haven’t been keeping it under wraps. We haven’t even subtly slipped it into place in our store without you being aware of it.

Never happened.

We did try to tell you there was nothing to this vicious rumor of a new, updated, expanded and generally awesome upgraded version of Write for the Web, your guide to becoming a freelance writer on the Internet.

After all, we wrote Write for the Web years ago. We have learned nothing since then. Nothing! And we’re certainly not sharing it with you.

It’s all lies, we tell you. Vicious lies. We heard the rumors, too. We heard gossip about all kinds of amazing things in this fantastic second edition release of the Write for the Web ebook, like:

• 85+ pages of brand-new, fresh, never-before-read-by-human-eyes (we don’t count James) content, all of it designed to help you become the biggest, baddest web writer the Internet ever did see.

• Extraordinarily valuable business resources (called Woots, no less!) by the score so you get an additional boost on your road to web writing superstardom

• Common Sense Tips – dozens of them! – to help you avoid the pitfalls we narrowly avoided when we were young and new.

• A huge section purely devoted to running your writing business, from getting the processes in place to help you make the best use of your time to finding an accountant who will help you make sense of your new tax forms.

• An even HUGER section on how to handle your clients, including how to write a proposal that gets accepted, how to give the perfect quote, how to nail that first draft, and how to handle clients that are straight-up jerks.

• Lots of ways to get you off your ass and into your new career as a web writer. No excuses. Starting right now.

None of this is in the ebook. We have no idea what you’re talking about. And what ebook, anyway? There is no ebook. I thought we covered this already. It is not in our store or available for sale as of today.

ebook-ad-300x250Look, here’s the thing. If you want to be a successful web writer, there’s no way anyone is going to just GIVE you the step-by-step formula to get there. (Ignore that pretty picture on the right.) No one is going to hold your hand. No one is going to go through all the skills and tools you need to set up the business. No one is going to tell you:

• What you need (and what you really don’t) to start a web writing business.
• The skills you never knew you had that absolve you of the need for prior web writing experience.
• How to land your first client, even if you’ve never written anything for the web before.
• How to land the next client. And the next one. And the hundreds of clients after that.
• How to get paid what you’re worth for every single project you write.
• How to read your client’s mind and get the voice for their assignment pitch perfect, first time out of the gate
• How to navigate the scams out there to find the legitimate job resources – and how to keep more money in your pocket.

That’s just too good to be true. Which is why it isn’t true, okay? No ebook is going to give you all of that.

Oh. And I don’t care what you’ve heard – there is no, absolutely no, extra-special-ridiculously-cool-super-satisfying BONUS section for every writer who has ever harbored a love for the written word in this release of Write for the Web.

Seriously, folks. Nothing to see here. Not even on this page right here. Don’t bother looking. Just go about your normal lives. Carry on, now.

P.S. It’s certainly not available for only $24. Come on, seriously. $24? For all that? That’s less than what James pays for his weekly pizza take-out. Crazy. Who comes UP with this stuff?

P.P.S. It’s most certainly not available at one single price for life without fear of it ever being jacked three times higher when you weren’t looking. Yeah, right.

P.P.P.S. It’s certainly not coming with a no-risk, money-back, no questions asked 100% satisfaction guarantee attached to it. Satisfaction is never guaranteed, folks, no matter what the woman told you.

Post by Taylor

Taylor Lindstrom (fondly known as Tei) is a twenty-something copywriter and journalist from Boulder, CO. She’s the team’s rogue woman who wowed us until our desire for her talents exceeded our desire for a good ol’ boys club. She loves the color green, micro-point Uniball pens, and medieval weaponry.

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  1. You guys crack me up :)
    .-= Roschelle´s last blog ..Poll: How Many Blogs Do You Have? =-.

  2. Mary E. Ulrich says:

    So…? you…? do…? Book????

    Dude, I’m going back to bed and read this later when my brain can figure it out.

    Jedi Wave? Wow.

  3. And there’s no truth to the rumour that I just bought it, even though I’m not a Writer! Oh, hang on, I do write on the web, just not a CopyWriter. :-)
    .-= Melinda | WAHM Biz Builder´s last blog ..So What Do I Do With My Newsletter/Autoresponder Now? =-.

  4. And a Jedi hand-wave right back at you!

    Some serious reverse psychology happening here. Feel strong desire to go and buy mysterious book that doesn’t exist.

  5. That’s good. I just told my friends who write for the web not to buy it. Whew.

    Regards,

    Kelly
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..MCE Holiday Gift Guide—for you, for customers, and for special people on your list =-.

  6. Hey, no one can accuse of using the “buy now!” strategy. We’re squeaky clean around here, mmhm!

  7. good stuff. Looking forward to checking it out…or not checking it out, I’m confused.
    .-= Amy Harrison´s last blog ..What The Flu? What you can learn about your business from being ill =-.

  8. Mary E. Ulrich says:

    Okay, after a rest from “Putting the rumors to rest” I figured out how to use PayPal and have the non-book on my TBR list. I think that is about as much progress as I can plan on a Monday morning.

    BTW: There is another rumor from Ali Hale over at http://www.aliventures.com/review-unlimited-freelancer/ that James’ “Unlimited Freelancer” book is half off until Tuesday.

  9. I would like it announced that the original title of this post was “There Is No eBook”. Jamie’s need to change everything has led to the weird discrepancy between the title and the Jedi hand-wave. Pay no mind, he’s just making me look like I am not a Star Wars nerd. But you all know the truth.

    Roschelle – Oh, good. Then my work here is done.

    Mary – Jedi Wave. Yes. It made more sense with the original title, no?

    Melinda – Thatta girl. Woman. Writer. I . . . what?

    Sally – How very strange. I wonder how that happened?

    Kelly – Excellent. Very smart, that. Symbiotic.

    James – Except you. You are a dirty, dirty man.

    Amy – These are not the droids you’re looking for.

    Mary again – PayPal is a difficult beast. Thank you for braving it on our behalf. You won’t be sorry.

  10. Clint Daniel says:

    I’ve never read a funnier advertisement. I think.

  11. I’m not going to lie.

    Fictitious or no, I just bought the eBook-that-shall-not-be-available, and am not ashamed of it.

    My friends and family warned me not to. They said that buying a non-existent eBook will end badly.

    They remind me of the Nigerian prince who promised a fortune and took my life savings. (The poor fellow is in a bad spot… I’m sure he’ll be sending the money any day now. These things take time.)

    They remind me of the months I kept my wisdom teeth under my pillow waiting for the Tooth Fairy, and she never showed up, but she visited the kids down the street and gave them a couple of shiny quarters. (She must not have gotten my change of address.)

    They failed. I was not dissuaded by the nay-sayers and I bought the eBook.

    As soon as I figure out how get rid of this annoying “Download” pop-up, I’m going to go to my local book store and pick my imaginary eBook up so I can learn to write for the web and be rich and famous like the Men With Pens guys and girl.

  12. @ Matthew – One never knows. The Men with Pens team might be a figment of your imagination as well. Think about it. Just like the Nigerian prince…

    @ Clint – Hey, we figured we might as well have fun with it, considering people keep gossiping about what we’re up to!

    @ Tei – Aye, an’ ye love me fer it, lassie. I know. Mmhm.

  13. These aren’t the Men (and Rogue) that you’re looking for…

    You can spend your credits elsewhere…

    You can go about your business (of spending your credits elsewhere…)

    ;-)
    .-= Mark Dykeman´s last blog ..Thinking Inside The Brain – Episode 1 =-.

  14. @ Mark… and if you’re looking for a place to spend them, I have a very nice OTHER ebook that would be happy to accept said credits… ;)

  15. Agreed that this advertisement is absolutely hilarious. Question, though–if one had (theoretically, of course) purchased an earlier edition in January and–naturally–been stunned and impressed by its quality, would it still be worth that person’s time and money to buy it again for the new improvements? If, that is, there actually WAS such a document to have been improved? Purely hypothetical, you understand!
    .-= –Deb´s last blog ..Back to Basics =-.

  16. At least no one will dare accuse you guys of selling hard shouting like madman saying “Buy me, for heaven’s sake!”
    .-= elmot´s last blog ..When Farming Uproots You From Your Blogging Chores =-.

  17. Mary, how could you possibly accuse me of spreading such rumours? The Unlimited Freelancer half-price? Are you suggesting that Mason and James are insane enough to sell a 200-page ebook packed with their joint expertise for the ridiculous sum of just $14?

    (And if I did have any knowledge of such insanity, I might have to warn you all that it ends *today*…)

    ;-)

    Taylor, you’ve convinced me. Yup. There is no Write for the Web ebook. None at all. Not anywhere. Nuh-uh. (But if there was a hypothetically-speaking ebook, I might have the same question as Deb…)
    .-= Ali Hale´s last blog ..Review: The Unlimited Freelancer (Mason Hipp and James Chartrand) =-.

  18. @ Deb – If there *were* such a person who might have bought something back then, this person (who doesn’t exist) would surely say, “By god, it’s like a brand-new book! EVERYTHING’s changed! The info! The brilliance! Oh my lord, this is IT!”

    They might even need some private time alone.

    BUT! Should said person who may have or may not have purchased something in the past present a receipt via email to Mr. James Pen Man (who of course does not exist either), said person would receive a beautiful, lovely free copy of the ebook that doesn’t exist.

    Because we invisibles are nice like that :)

  19. Mary E. Ulrich says:

    Do you think this is how they talk in the FBI?

  20. James stop lying, boys with crayons cannot possibly write and effective book on how to become a successful writer and captivate their audience with some genius word-smithing while generating a substantial income sitting at home in their sponge bob square pants boxers…

    If only such a book REALLY existed. But that’s like saying if only the Canadiens DIDN’T suck.

    oh well. ;P
    .-= FitJerk’s Fitness Blog´s last blog ..Weekly Jokes & Something Special! – Part 3 =-.

  21. Lol I was a bit confused at first but I think I’m going to believe this rumor despite your protests. Oh and by the way if “There is no ebook” i supposed to be a reference to “There is no spoon,” shouldn’t it be The Matrix instead of Star Wars? Or is this just more intentional confusion to distract from the possible existence of the ebook? hehe… -Rob

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